Many of us experience periods of low mood, anxiety, or irritability. How can we deal with these emotions and bring more peace and joy into our lives?
Here are six tools we can use to enhance our moods: Gratitude, acceptance, self-compassion, expressing ourselves, addressing festering issues and making lifestyle enhancements. Many times, even just using one tool will help us feel better and increase our enjoyment of life. Read through the tools and pick one on which to focus. If you are experiencing severe emotional distress, seek help from a recommended professional.
(1) Gratitude
According to research, being grateful increases our happiness. Begin your day expressing appreciation to God for at least one blessing in your life, preferably out loud and in your native language; elaborate on how you have benefited from this blessing.
Try this powerful practice to supercharge your mood: First, focus on life’s deepest joy: That God – the Creator of the entire universe – wants to have a personal relationship with you (no matter what you’ve done in the past). Then, pick an upbeat Jewish song and dance and/or sing to God, expressing your desire to come closer to Him and your appreciation for all that your Father in Heaven does for you.
This is one of the quickest ways to improve your mood. Try it at least once, even if you do not feel like it and even if you think it is silly. If you find this practice beneficial, do it each morning.
(The music of Shlomo Carlebach is one great choice to dance and/or sing to. Even just listening to his music can uplift your mood. You can listen to full-length tracks at http://www.sojournrecords.com/artist/shlomo_carlebach. Some fast paced songs available on this webpage are: Oseh Shalom, Tov L'hodot, Harachaman Hu Y'zakeinu, Yamin Usmol, Hashem Melech, Tshuatam, Siman Tov and Am M'kadshai.)
Each day, make a conscious decision to focus on and be grateful for what goes right, the blessings inherent in every day. Savor and delight in life’s pleasures, enjoying them mindfully. Express appreciation for the help others give you.
In addition to appreciating what God and others have done for you, appreciate yourself. Focus on and take delight in your positive qualities; praise yourself for your achievements, good deeds and the challenges you have overcome. Also look for and praise the good you see in others.
At the root of a low mood is often a mindset of minimizing the good in our lives and maximizing the bitter (the things we have we wish we did not and the things we do not have we wish we did). To feel happier, do the opposite: Maximize what you have and what is going right and minimize what you do not yet have and what is difficult. (Minimizing difficulties means not blowing them out of proportion but still addressing them as appropriate.)
The next time you are in a low mood, ask yourself, “What bitter aspect of my life am I over focusing on? What blessed aspect am I ignoring?” Then switch focus; think about how the bitterness in your life is really manageable, and how the blessings in your life are really amazing.
A fundamental belief in Judaism is that whatever happens to us is from God, out of His love for us and for our benefit (Tractate Berachot 60b). While the main benefit of a difficulty is likely obscured from your view, try to find some benefit or bright side to a challenge, for which you can be grateful.
When we are grateful for the blessings in our lives, we are more likely to not take things too seriously. Look for the humor in life. Throughout the day, remind yourself to smile, even if only a slight one; this will help you cultivate an inner sense of lightness and joy.
Part of gratitude is realizing that the gifts God gives us are not exclusively for our own use; He expects us to share a portion of them with others. Research shows that giving to others enhances our health and happiness; it even increases our longevity.
Helping others reminds us that there are those who are less fortunate and to be grateful for what we have. Look for ways to share your time, talents and resources; volunteer or adopt a cause or charity. Each day, see how you can be of service to others.
(2) Acceptance
Gratitude works well when we focus on the positive aspects of our lives. What about the painful ones? For those we need acceptance. Just like there are three forms of appreciation – appreciating what God and others do for you and appreciating yourself – there are three forms of acceptance, accepting the challenges God gives you, accepting others and accepting yourself. When you find yourself in a low mood, ask, “What am I resisting? Can I be more accepting of that? What aspect of my life can I be more grateful for?”
For discussions on acceptance, see, “3-Dimensional Acceptance: A Pathway to Peace and Power,” “Discover Your Inner Peace,” “Surrendering to God: 3 steps to transcend your ego,” and, “Adversity + Humility + Acceptance = Transcendence.”
Our self-talk plays a pivotal role in enhancing acceptance and our mood. Rabbi Zelig Pliskin discusses self-talk in his practical book, Conversations with Yourself: A Practical Guide to Greater Happiness, Self-Development and Self-Empowerment.
(3) Self-Compassion
There is a growing awareness of the importance of self-compassion, being kind to oneself, with books and websites devoted to the topic. Self-compassion flows naturally from self-acceptance; once we accept ourselves the way we are, we can be kind and loving to ourselves.
Ever notice that people may hate themselves because of a weakness they have, yet when they are dealing with others who have the same weakness, especially children, they feel no hatred, only tenderness and compassion? Why is that?
Because when dealing with others, we are better able to see the overall picture and not just focus on the weakness. When we look at the child, we are able to see the innocence, the inherent goodness the child possesses, and their struggle to overcome difficulties, which are no fault of their own.
Although our bodies age, the child inside of us remains. Never shame or insult that child. The next time you are about to berate yourself over a perceived flaw or failure, instead, bring to mind your many struggles and feel tenderness and compassion for yourself. Talk to yourself, in the second person, soothing words of support and encouragement. Show yourself the same kindness, warmth and care you would show a child who is going through a tough time.
When you need to give yourself constructive criticism, do so lovingly and respectfully, after all, you are speaking to one of God’s children. Do not dwell on the past mistake, instead, focus on encouraging yourself to do better in the future.
In addition to extending compassion to yourself, tap into the compassion God gives you. He is constantly supporting you (Song of Songs 2:6), “His left hand is under my head and His right arm embraces me.” God tells you (Isaiah 66:13), “As one whom his mother comforts, so will I comfort you…” Pray to Him to send you comfort and strength. Then imagine waves of these feelings washing over you.
When you feel emotional distress, think while slowly breathing in, “God is with me,” and while slowly breathing out, “God is soothing and comforting me.”
After feeling Divine compassion, see if you can feel a sense of oneness with God. As Moses taught us (Deuteronomy 4:35), “…There is nothing beside Him.” In this state, there is no separate self receiving compassion from God. Instead, there is only compassion; there is only God.
(4) Expressing ourselves
When we keep emotions bottled up, and do not express ourselves, we begin to feel weighed down by our challenges. Talk to God about your difficulties and try writing in a journal, or utilize other methods of healthy emotional expression.
Part of expressing ourselves is letting people know, calmly and respectfully, when they have hurt our feelings. It also means being assertive and setting healthy boundaries. We are assertive when we stand up for ourselves, letting others know which behaviors we would appreciate and which ones are unacceptable. We set healthy boundaries when we explain to people what we can and cannot do for them; a key part of this is learning to say no, when appropriate.
Social connection and support is crucial for our emotional health. Make sure you have family members, mentors and/or friends whom you talk to on a regular basis, enjoying their company and sharing with them your struggles. Sometimes, you need to vent, other times, you want their advice or encouragement; let them know what you want.
An underutilized resource for social support is senior citizens. Many of them are good listeners with wise input. If you are going through a difficult time and cannot find the support and guidance you need, see a recommended therapist.
(5) Addressing festering issues
Emotional distress can be a message from our subconscious. Perhaps we are avoiding dealing with an issue – maybe at work or in our relationships – or that we feel unfulfilled in an area of our lives. Ask yourself, “What’s my biggest stressor? What issue have I been avoiding? Is there a past hurt I need to let go of? In which area of my life do I feel unfulfilled?” Make an action plan, preferably with outside input, to address what comes up.
An issue which many struggle with is a lack of meaning. We all need to feel that we are working toward something of value. Choose and write down your goal, something significant and worthwhile to strive for. Break your goal down into mini goals and choose mini rewards you will give yourself as you achieve each mini goal. At least once a week, engage in an activity which brings you closer to your goal. Have at least one goal which transcends yourself and is for the greater good. According to Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness, “Find a happy person and you will find a project.”
What’s your project? What gives you meaning? How can you do those activities more often?
(Click on the title of Dr. Lyubomirsky’s book for a listing of, “Happiness-Enhancing Strategies.”)
(6) Making lifestyle enhancements
Our lifestyle habits have a big influence on our moods. There are three main areas on which to focus:
Sleep: Get adequate sleep. Go to sleep 15-20 minutes earlier each week until you feel refreshed in the morning. If you have trouble sleeping, consider the following tips: A few hours before going to sleep, stop looking at screens which give off blue light which can keep us awake, or install software, such as f.lux, to filter out blue light. Have a winding down routine, where you engage in relaxing activities before going to sleep, such as journaling, meditation, stretching, light reading, or listening to relaxing music. Avoid caffeine, except in the morning, if it keeps you up. Avoid heavy foods right before going to sleep. Do not take late naps and keep to a set sleep/wake schedule. Dietary supplements, discussed below, can also be helpful.
Exercise: The Mayo Clinic recommends exercising three to five times a week for thirty minutes or more, for mood enhancing effects. One study found that brisk walking for 20 minutes daily, for six weeks, enhanced people’s mood. You can also aim for between 8,000 – 12,000 steps per day, with 10,000 steps being the most often mentioned number. Aerobic exercise and strength training both have mood boosting properties; if one does not help, try the other. Some may need to do moderate/intense exercise or to alternate intensity to gain the full benefits. Exercising in a natural setting and/or in sunlight has added mood enhancing effects. If you exercise with someone else, you will also gain social benefits and increased motivation to stick to your routine.
Diet: The foods we eat affect our moods. According to one study, eating a whole foods diet (vegetables, fruit, meat, fish, and whole grains) resulted in a 30% risk reduction for depression and anxiety compared to a typical western diet (processed or fried foods, refined grains, sugary products, and beer).
Some people are sensitive to specific foods which negatively affect their mood and health. Consider doing an elimination trial to determine if you have food sensitivities; the most common ones are to wheat, gluten or dairy. There are articles and books which explain how to do an elimination trial. There are also blood tests which can be helpful in identifying possibly problematic foods.
Some benefit from taking dietary supplements. On this topic, David Edelberg, MD, suggests on his website that you try a light box, which has proven therapeutic benefits. You can try it alone or with, “St. John’s wort (450 mg twice daily) and 5HTP (100 mg at bedtime). This combination has been proven to be as effective as a small dose (25 mg) of Zoloft.” Do not mix supplements with medications without first speaking to your doctor or pharmacist. There are other supplements which can be helpful, preferably see a healthcare professional who can guide you on their use and in selecting high quality products.
Everyone is different and may benefit from different approaches. Go through the above six tools and choose one on which to focus; begin with the one you sense will be most helpful for you. Frequently, strengthening the area you are currently most weak in will yield the greatest gains. After you have implemented that tool, add another one. Write down which tools work best for you and the next time you feel emotional distress, look at the list and do those tools.
The first three tools, gratitude, acceptance and self-compassion, are especially useful in the moment, as emotional first aid. So the next time you feel down or anxious, find something for which to be grateful, whether a blessing in another area of your life, or a bright side of the painful situation. Then, talk to yourself words of faith, and see if you can be more accepting of the challenge. Lastly, remind yourself that you are going through a difficult time; give yourself compassion and feel God’s compassion for you.
When it is not enough
If these six tools are not sufficient, or, perhaps in tandem with implementing them, look for a self-help book which describes psychological techniques relevant to your issue or see a recommended therapist. One book to consider by the self-help publisher New Harbinger Publications is Mind and Emotions: A Universal Treatment for Emotional Disorders by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Patricia Zurita Ona. This book, among others, is offered in an online format here.
Some people may require medication. Many emotional issues have strong biological underpinnings, which for some, like any medical condition, are best addressed with medication. Frequently, more than one attempt may be necessary before a person finds the right medication(s) and dosage.
Taking medication does not mean you will have to do so for the rest of your life. Once you are feeling better for 6-12 months, you can discuss with your doctor the possibility of gradually tapering off the medication or lowering the dosage.
When searching for healing, be patient and do not put your life on hold. Months or years may be required to resolve longstanding issues, or improvements may occur rapidly. God has a timetable for when and how you will find the healing you seek. All you need to do is make reasonable efforts and ask for His help.
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