4 Ways to Safeguard Your Moral Purity

On Mount Sinai, the Jewish people chose to embody the teachings in God’s Torah and show the world what it means to live elevated lives. Observing the laws in the Torah, which entails avoiding sin and doing mitzvot, keeps spiritual pollution out and nurtures the sanctity of our people.

One of the key ways the Jewish people maintain their holiness is by observing the laws governing moral behavior. As the morality of the culture around us plummets and temptations reach new peaks, our mission to live elevated lives is more difficult than ever. God knows this and does not expect perfection. All He asks is that we do the best we can.

King Solomon taught (Proverbs 4:23), “More than you guard anything, guard your heart…” When we guard our moral purity, we are guarding our heart.

We recite daily in the morning prayers, “My God, the soul you placed within me is pure.” We have to do whatever we can to safeguard the holy of holies within, our Creator’s priceless gift. Then, we can say to Him with satisfaction and pride, “I have done my best to keep the soul you placed within me pure.”

Answering Moses’ call

When Moses came down from Mount Sinai and saw people worshiping the Golden Calf, he wanted those who had shielded themselves from sin to pledge total allegiance to God. He cried out, (Exodus 32:26), “…Mi Lashem Elai!” “Whoever is for God, join me!” This was not a onetime plea; he is speaking to each one of us, every day of our lives. He is urging us to flee from sin and cling tenaciously to God.

The Vilna Gaon, the renowned eighteenth century scholar, discussed the period before the Messiah (as quoted by Rabbi Yechiel Weitzman in his book, The Ishmaelite Exile). The Vilna Gaon wrote that the number of people who are of average conduct will slowly decrease, until society becomes polarized: One group following the elevated path toward greater closeness to God, with the other group breaking away and sinking to the depths of evil.

Be brutally honest with yourself and ask, “Which group am I in? Am I growing spiritually and striving to live an elevated life, or am I declining and worshiping the golden calves of Western society (one of which is immorality)?”

In the face of indecency, we have a choice: We can either let ourselves be enticed and pulled down by it or we can set firm redlines and say, “No! I will not be a part of this.” We must flee from sin as if running from a fire. When we make sacrifices to observe the Torah, we do our part to ensure the survival of our people as His holy nation.

Here are four steps you can take to preserve or restore your moral purity:

1. Learn the laws. For example, laws of forbidden seclusion – yichud – and forbidden contact – negiah – keep those who uphold them far away from forbidden relations. Author Gila Manolson addresses some of these areas in her books and articles available at http://www.gila-manolson.com. For further details on these laws, ask your rabbi and/or study Nidchei Yisrael by the Chofetz Chaim. (It is available in English for free by clicking on the title. Some of the sections are strongly worded; if that approach does not work for you, speak to your mentor for alternatives.)

Also study chapter 11 of The Path of the Just by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto. In it is an eye-opening discussion on commandments which many are not fully aware of, including those relating to morality. This work is available in English by either Feldheim or Artscroll (the latter edition includes a commentary and is entitled, Mesillas Yesharim: Way of the Upright).

Living a life of moral purity is not all or nothing. At one end of the spectrum is complete moral purity – where one guards what they look at and think about. At the other end of the spectrum is extreme sinful behavior, avoiding which one is obligated to give up one’s life, such as committing adultery. The behavior of each one of us exists somewhere on this spectrum. Set redlines you will not cross, so your behavior will not slide toward the side of immorality, and make a commitment to move your behavior one notch toward the side of purity.

Decide in advance how you will deal with challenging situations, so you are not caught off guard and give in to pressure or temptation. Preferably, speak to your rabbi, rebbetzin, or spiritual mentor for advice.

Do not become disheartened if you struggle with some forms of prohibited behavior. Do the best you can, fill your mind with purifying Torah thoughts, avoid temptations whenever possible, ask God for help, and when you lapse, immediately repent and get back on track. No matter how many times you fall, pick yourself up, repent, and begin again with a fresh start.

2. Use the internet with caution. The internet is perhaps the greatest source of spiritual pollution in our generation. Like fire, the internet can accomplish great good, or can become an inferno causing great harm. Even if by the grace of God you are not among those caught in a web of contamination, protect yourself and your family. Allowing access to an unfiltered internet on your computer or smart-phone is like leaving a loaded gun lying around your house. It is possible no one will get hurt, but do you want to take the chance?

Many mistakenly think that the websites they visit are private. But there are a number of companies who track the sites you visit, such as your browser and internet service provider among others. One can easily imagine someone illicitly accessing that information and posting people’s browsing habits online for all to see. It brings a new perspective to the words of the Sages, “An eye that sees and an ear that hears, and all your deeds are recorded in a Book (Ethics of the Fathers 2:1).”

There are a number of options for internet filters for phones, tablets and computers; some are more comprehensive than others. In addition to filtering software, one can also get separate reporting software, which has the capability of emailing to a third-party a log of websites visited.

A general internet tip: Be careful when clicking on search results or links to other sites. Many are to so-called news or health sites, which can be filled with inappropriate articles and images. Best to stick to sites you know are OK. Also, keeping a picture of a revered ancestor or rabbi by your computer, can be helpful.

A website devoted to this topic and recommended by Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, MD is http://www.guardyoureyes.org.

3. Engage in spiritual spring cleaning. The Torah warns us (Deuteronomy 7: 26), “Do not bring an abomination into your house since you will become accursed like it; you should utterly detest it and utterly abhor it, for it is an accursed thing.”

To whatever extent you’re ready, go through your books, magazines, music and videos, and get rid of those which are filled with profanity, lewdness or vulgarity. Be more discerning what websites and videos you expose your soul to. If you wouldn’t show it to a teenager, you probably shouldn’t be watching it either. Go through your wardrobe and donate to charity clothing that is unbecoming for you. Staying away from temptation and impurity will enable you to have a closer relationship with the ultimate source of holiness and purity – God Himself.

4. Talk to your kids. Children can be exposed to spiritual pollution in many different venues. We have to do our best to shield them and beseech God to protect them. Our children should join in this effort and not feel it is us against them. Talk to your children, perhaps read this chapter with them and go through the above steps. Work together to keep them out of harm’s way. Explain that this is a struggle we are all engaged in; while as an adult we are responsible to protect ourselves, as parents we are responsible to help our children protect themselves.

We have to be role models for our children and let them know what we do to safeguard ourselves; we cannot expect them to be more vigilant than we are.

Protecting our moral purity will entail making sacrifices. When we remind ourselves that we are safeguarding our eternal soul, we will realize that it is well worth the sacrifice. What could be more important than our soul – our very essence?

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What Does God Want from Me?

Have you ever asked, “What does God want from me? Why did He create me?”

In Deuteronomy, Moses answers this very question and outlines our Creator’s five requests (10:12-13). “And now, Israel, What does Hashem, your God, request of you? Only to fear Hashem, your God, to follow all His ways, and to love Him, and to serve Hashem, your God, with all your heart and with all your soul; to observe Hashem’s commandments and statutes, which I command you today, for your benefit.”

Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto, in his classic, The Path of the Just, distills from these verses the five essential components of Judaism:

A. To fear God.

B. To walk in His ways.

C. To love Him.

D. To serve Him wholeheartedly.

E. To observe His commandments.

God makes these requests not for His benefit, rather, as Moses points out, “…for your benefit (ibid).” By fulfilling these requests, we develop a relationship with our Creator and infuse our lives with meaning and fulfillment.

Below, is an exploration of each of the five requests. Fulfilling them is not all or nothing; it is a lifelong journey. Keep climbing to even higher levels of fulfilling these requests. As you do, you will come even closer to God.

A. To fear God. This means to be in awe of His exaltedness and aware of His constant presence. The first step in developing a relationship with God is to remind yourself that He exists and that He is with you at all times.

Rabbi Luzzatto outlines three steps to do this:

(1) Throughout the day, bring to mind that God’s glory fills the world – His presence is in every cell and atom. Realize you are standing before God at all times. Shift your awareness, from inward – centered on your thoughts – to outward, tuning in to God’s presence which surrounds you always. This will help you feel deep awe and reverence before Him.

(2) Think about God’s awesomeness. He is the Creator and sustainer of the entire universe, as well as countless spiritual worlds.

(3) Contemplate how lowly you are compared to God; you are completely dependent on Him and cannot do anything without His help.

Guideposts: You will know you are on track toward achieving awe of God, when you are able to refrain from – or at least greatly limit – talking during the prayer service. You will sense, sitting in God’s house, speaking to Him, that it is not appropriate to turn away to schmooze with a friend. You also find that your modesty and humility have increased. In addition, when faced with temptation, you remind yourself of God’s awesomeness and His all-encompassing presence, and you feel ashamed to sin before your Creator.

B. To walk in God’s ways. After contemplating His greatness, we will be motivated to emulate Him, as best we can. God is completely good. His every act is a manifestation of His goodness, (although we do not understand how). We walk in our Father in Heaven’s footsteps by being a source of goodness to others. When we help others, our Father is channeling His light of goodness through us. When we harm others, we sever that special connection to Him and spread darkness.

Every interaction you have with another person gives you an opportunity to be a force of goodness. When you are friendly, considerate, helpful and show an interest in others, you transform a mundane interaction into a sacred experience.

Guideposts: You will know you are on track toward achieving walking in God’s ways, when, faced with uncertainty you ask, “What is the elevated, Godly way to act? How does my Father in Heaven want me to act?” In addition, when meeting people, instead of considering, “What can they do for me?” You consider, “What can I do for them?” Lastly, you are careful not to even inconvenience others, certainly not to harm them emotionally or financially.

C. To love God. Awed by His grandeur and inspired by His goodness, you will come to love Him. An aspect of loving God is being grateful for the blessings He has given you. In addition, think about who God is to you: He is your Creator, who brought you into existence to benefit you. He is your Father, who loves you unconditionally. He is your protector, who ensures you only experience what is for your eternal good. He is your provider, who gives you exactly what you need for each moment. He never stops thinking of you, caring for you, loving you. Now ask, “Do I love God?” Speak to Him and express to Him your love.

Guideposts: You will know you are on track toward achieving love of God, when you look forward to doing mitzvot, even at great sacrifice, demonstrating to God your love and appreciation. You delight in the opportunity to come close to Him, through prayer, fulfilling and studying His Torah and helping His children. In addition, you flee from sin, to avoid any act which would distance you from your Father in Heaven and be a sign of ingratitude.

D. To serve God wholeheartedly. This means serving Him with pure intent. Fueled by your reverence and love for God, you will want to serve Him solely to fulfill His will, without ulterior motives. As King David says in Psalms (40:9), “To do Your will, my God, is my desire...” When mitzvot are done for this reason, they serve as a bridge, uniting you with God.

Rabbi Luzzatto mentions another aspect of purity of intent: Serving God mindfully. Before doing a commandment, ask, “What am I about to do and why? Before whom am I going to do it?” You perform the commandments before God to fulfill His will and through them you draw closer to Him.

Guideposts: You will know you are on track toward achieving serving God wholeheartedly, when you perform mitzvot with the same intensity and fervor regardless of whether you are in a public or private setting. (This shows that your mitzvah performance is not driven by wanting public approval.) In addition, every day you perform mindfully at least one mitzvah. Start with prayer and pick at least one section to focus on its meaning. You can also be mindful while saying blessings on food.

E. To observe God’s commandments. In addition to serving God wholeheartedly, in your awe and love for Him, you will also want to fulfill His every request.

In order to observe the commandments we need to learn the laws. Find a class or book geared toward your level of observance. If you learn a law that seems too difficult for you, remember that God only asks you to do what you can. Tell yourself, “Right now I’m not sure if I can do this, but it’s important to know that this is the goal to work towards. All God asks is that I do my best, and I will.”

If possible, speak to your rabbi about how to fulfill the law in your situation. You will likely discover that either the law is more manageable than you initially thought, or that in your case, there are leniencies upon which you can rely. After all, the Torah, “Its ways are ways of pleasantness…(Proverbs 3:17)”

God wants our efforts, whether we are successful or not is out of our hands. Put in your best effort and ask your Father in Heaven for help. Often, you will discover that with His assistance, you were able to fulfill the observance after all. As the Sages teach, “One who seeks to be purified is assisted (Tractate Shabbat 104a).”

Guideposts: You will know you are on track toward achieving observing God’s commandments, when you choose a rabbi to whom you ask religious questions and advice on how to upgrade your observance. In addition, you study the laws daily to ensure you fulfill the will of your Creator. One who studies the laws every day is assured a place in the next world (Tractate Niddah 73a). Lastly, if you stumble in one of the Torah’s guidelines, you repent right away and get back on track.

God highlights four aspects of our relationship with Him (Hoshea 2:21-22), “(1) I will betroth you to Me forever, and (2) I will betroth you to Me with righteousness, with justice, with kindness and with mercy. (3) And I will betroth you to Me with fidelity, and (4) you will know Hashem.” Perhaps these four aspects align with God’s five requests.

The first aspect, parallels fulfilling His commandments, as it is through them that we earn eternal bliss – basking in the Divine Presence forever. The second aspect, gives examples of walking in His ways. The third aspect, fidelity, parallels serving Him wholeheartedly, not adulterating our service with ulterior motives or by acting by rote. The fourth aspect, to know God, is to revere and love Him (we come to know God, each on our own level, by studying His Torah). By fulfilling your Creator’s five requests, you consummate your betrothal to Him, creating an eternal bond with God.

The greatest achievement possible in life is coming close to the Ultimate good – our Creator. When we fulfill the five requests every day, we live our lives with our Creator as our constant companion and guide. God did not create us to live just any life: He wants us to live the best life possible and discover the Ultimate good. How about you, what kind of life do you want to live?

Which one of the five requests will you focus on fulfilling to an even greater extent?

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5 Reasons for Suffering

Nothing in life is random. God sends suffering to accomplish a specific purpose; there are reasons for our difficulties. While we do not know exactly what they are, there are general reasons we can address which will enable us to grow from and transcend our challenges.

Frequently, people respond to suffering by putting all their efforts into material strategies to alleviate their difficulties. For example, in a power outage, they look for batteries, flashlights and other emergency supplies; in a health crisis, they go from doctor to doctor in search of a cure; or, in a financial crisis, they think of ways to save and earn more money. While material efforts are important, clearly, the reason God sends adversity is not to cause people to wait on long lines for scarce supplies, frequent doctors or worry over their finances.

Ignoring the underlying spiritual cause of our difficulties is an exercise in futility; we cannot override God’s purpose in sending us challenges. When we also focus on the spiritual, we give our material efforts much-needed potency.

Underlying all the reasons discussed below is one fundamental truth: The purpose of our challenges is to benefit us (Tractate Berachot 60b).

Do not think the reason for your suffering is that God abandoned you. Nothing could be further from the truth. During times of difficulty, God is with you in your pain. He is by your side holding your hand, strengthening and encouraging you. He knows that with His assistance, you will make it through and emerge even stronger and better off than before.

At times, the pain we feel due to suffering is overwhelming and intellectual reasons for difficulties do not resonate with us. In that case, we have to transcend our egos – the part of ourselves in pain – and connect with our souls, which are always at peace. For help doing this, see, “Surrendering to God: 3 steps to transcend your ego.”

5 Possible Reasons Why We Suffer:

1. To strengthen our faith and acceptance of God’s will. One of the core opportunities of life is to have faith in God. Difficulties serve to test and strengthen our belief that God guides our lives for our highest good, i.e., that everything will work out in the end for our benefit. Sometimes, later in life we realize how we benefited, or we will discover this in the Next World.

Ask yourself: How am I resisting my current challenge and thereby adding to my suffering? How can I be more accepting of the situation? If I knew for certain that everything would work out, how would I feel about this difficulty?

2. To help us grow and improve. Generally, we learn more from our failures and challenges than we do from our successes. Suffering teaches us important lessons, e.g., humility, empathy, patience and perseverance. Through suffering, we discover our hidden strengths and abilities we did not know we possessed.

Ask: How can I grow from this challenge? How can I use this difficulty to become a better person?

Suffering can also help us improve by reminding us to increase our repentance, prayer, and charity. A key High Holiday prayer states that by enhancing these three components we can annul a harsh decree. Use suffering as a catalyst to repent for misdeeds, pray with greater fervor and give charity more generously.

3. To help others. Our difficulties give others the opportunity to be kind, appreciate their blessings, and learn from our example. In Heaven, there are no needy or sick people. This world is the world of opportunity, the place where we can accomplish great good and earn the bliss of Heaven. Therefore, in this world, to provide opportunities to do acts of kindness there must be people who suffer and struggle.

Most of us do not suffer our entire lives. We take turns, so we get a chance to be both the giver and the recipient. Because of this, if you are suffering, allow others to help you (God gave them resources so that they can do so). Suffering in silence defeats the purpose.

When people see someone with significant difficulties, it reminds them that their own problems are not so bad, and to appreciate the blessings in their lives. If we accept our struggles with grace, we will be rewarded for serving as role models to others; we show them that one can still maintain faith and accomplish great things even amidst towering challenges.

Suffering also reminds us not to take our blessings for granted, to be thankful to God for what is going right in our lives; even with all our difficulties, in many ways, we are still fortunate.

Ask: Who can I ask for advice or help with my challenges? For which blessing in my life will I thank God? How can I use this blessing to help others?

4. To send us a spiritual wakeup call and to cleanse unrepentant sins. When we feel pain in our bodies, it is a sign something is not right and needs to be addressed. Similarly, when we experience the pain of suffering, it can be a message from our Father in Heaven that something is not right and needs to be addressed. Perhaps, in an area of our lives, we are acting unbecoming of one of His children, or our priorities need realignment and we are not fulfilling our potential.

Sin soils the soul. In addition to alerting us to make changes in our lives, suffering can also be used to cleanse the soul from unrepentant sin. To avoid this, we can cleanse ourselves through the purifying power of repentance.

When doing a self-accounting, perhaps we should focus first on correcting any lapses in interpersonal behavior. That was the area Joseph’s brothers turned to when they experienced suffering. The verse in Genesis states (42:21), “They said to each other, ‘It is true, we are guilty for our brother, because we saw his distress when he pleaded with us, and we did not listen. That is why this trouble has come upon us.’”

When possible, seek guidance from a rabbi as to which area(s) to address. Sometimes, we are overly harsh with ourselves and blame ourselves for actions that were beyond our control or for which we have already repented. (Your rabbi may advise you that in your situation, it is best to skip this area and focus only on the other four reasons discussed here.)

Ask: Which life goals are truly important? How can I spend more time achieving them and less time on distractions? Am I engaging in sinful behavior? How can I use this difficulty as a wakeup call to change for the better?

5. To refine and elevate our souls. When we suffer, material distractions tend to lose their allure and we focus more on the spiritual. We also realize that only God can help us and we draw closer to Him, elevating our souls.

God purifies and brings close to Him those whom He deeply loves. If you are currently experiencing suffering, know that you are especially dear and precious to Him. You are among the spiritual elite of the world, God’s vanguard. By accepting your suffering and maintaining your faith in Him, you infuse creation with sanctity, thereby playing a key role in sustaining the world’s existence.

Whatever spiritual level we reach at the end of our lives is the level of bliss we will receive in Heaven and the way we will remain – forever. The temporary difficulties we experience in this world benefit us eternally by enhancing our spirituality.

Ask: How can I use this challenge to strengthen my connection to God and become a more spiritual person?

These five reasons provide an action plan on what to do when suffering strikes: Accept God’s will, look for ways to grow from the challenge, engage in repentance, prayer and acts of kindness, thank God for what is going right in your life, think about who you can ask for advice or help, and consider how this difficulty may be a wakeup call.

While doing all of the above as best you can and engaging in material efforts as well, draw strength from the knowledge that everything will work out in the end, either in this world or in the next. In addition, realize that through your suffering, you are helping others, enhancing the sanctity of the world and increasing your future eternal bliss.

Frequently, before engaging in soul searching, people wait for suffering to be intense and to exhaust all other options. As soon as the difficulties ease up they call off the search. In your life, begin the search early and often, using every difficulty as a stepping stone for growth. Never stop reaching for higher levels of spirituality. Never stop yearning for God.

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Debunking 5 Myths about Repentance

Imagine the city in late winter: Cold, cloudy, with large patches of soot-covered snow.

Then the spring rains come and wash away the remnants of winter, rejuvenating the city. Repentance is that healing rain, our Creator’s gift, which washes away accumulated impurities. Here are five myths about repentance, which hold people back from making use of this amazing gift.

1) “I don’t need to repent; repentance is only for hardcore sinners.”

We all make mistakes that need to be fixed. A plane is off-course 90% of the time; only because pilots make constant corrections does the plane arrive at its intended destination.

If we want to arrive at our intended destination – living an elevated life and earning the bliss of Heaven – we also have to make constant corrections. This is the essence of teshuva, the Hebrew word for repentance, which literally means returning: Returning from drifting off-course, returning to God.

2) “It’s too late; I’ve already done the unforgivable.”

Never think you are too far gone. The spiritual damage caused by sin is not permanent and remains external to who you are – a Divine soul. Your inner essence of sanctity and innate worth stays with you regardless of your past behavior. As one of God’s children, you have intrinsic value and the potential to change and grow; nothing can take that away from you.

There is no such thing as being damaged beyond repair. Rebbe Nachman of Breslov taught, “If you believe you can damage, then believe you can repair.”

There is no sin for which repentance does not work. As Maimonides states (The Laws of Repentance 3:14), “…For nothing can stand in the way of repentance.”

If you need a sign that the gates of repentance are still open for you, feel your pulse; as long as you are alive, your Father in Heaven still beckons you to return to Him.

3) “Repentance is arduous and time consuming.”

Changing our behavior is challenging, that is why it is important to focus on changes that are within reach and not take on too much at once. The process of repentance though, is straightforward and can take less than five minutes. Do not underestimate the power of repentance to turn around your life.

For sins against others, we must first ask for their forgiveness and make amends, when possible, and then ask God for forgiveness.

There are three essential steps to repentance. For those sins which are ongoing, there is an additional preparatory step of refraining from the sin.

The 3 steps of repentance:

1. Feel regret. If you have trouble feeling remorse, think about how our Creator gave us a pristine soul to safeguard, along with many gifts – the human body, money, leisure time, etc. – to be used to bring this pure soul close to Him. Instead, we took the very gifts He gave us and used them to defile our souls – distancing us from Him and causing our Father pain.

Remorse is part of the purification process and motivates us to abandon harmful behavior. At the same time, always remember our Father’s endless love for us; He is waiting to grant us forgiveness and bring us close to Him, even after we have committed the worst sins.

2. Verbally confess to God and ask for forgiveness. “God, I have sinned by ___(preferably specify the sin). Please forgive me.”

3. Make a verbal commitment not to repeat the sin. If you doubt you will be able to keep your commitment, Rabbi Shaul Wagschal, in The Practical Guide to Teshuvah, advises you only focus on the present. Do not think about your past failures to improve or your doubts about future successes. Right now, do you sincerely want to never repeat this sin? If yes, then go ahead and make whatever commitment will help strengthen your resolve. Our Creator knows our limitations and does not expect perfection; all He asks is that we do our best to follow His will, and repent when we lapse.

A mnemonic to remember the three steps is RCC: Regret, confess, commit.

Writing down your resolution and reviewing it regularly can be helpful. When appropriate, tell others of your resolution, as an added incentive to keep it strong.

Have faith that after sincerely doing these three steps, your Father has forgiven you. Let go of guilt, let go of shame. You are now a new person, no longer burdened with that past mistake. According to the Sages, even in Heaven you will not be reminded of sins for which you have repented.

If you have trouble believing God has forgiven you, perhaps it is you who has trouble forgiving. Focus on becoming a more forgiving person. Then, you will have an easier time believing God has forgiven you. For details, see, “The Freedom of Forgiveness: 3 Strategies to Letting Go.”

4) “I’ve committed too many sins; I’ll never be able to repent.”

Repentance is not all or nothing; even just thoughts of regret and longing to return to God elevates your soul and brings you closer to Him.

You will benefit from any amount of the purifying effects of repentance. The more you cleanse yourself, the more you repair and restore your connection to God which sin compromised.

The Talmud (Yoma 86b) teaches, that when people repent out of love for God (wanting to come closer to Him and fulfill His will) versus out of fear of Divine punishment, their past sins are turned into merits. The more sins you have committed, the more deeds you have waiting to be converted into merits. This is an incredible gift God is waiting to give you. Take advantage of this amazing opportunity.

If there is a particular sin you are especially motivated to repair, start with that one. If you do not know where to start, make a list of your sins. For help compiling your list, you can look at the section in the back of the Artscroll Yom Kippur prayer book which details the many sins people commit.

First do a basic repentance on all your sins by feeling regret and verbalizing both your sins and that you will do your best to avoid them in the future. Then go back and choose the easiest sin for you to stop doing. Make a firm commitment not to repeat this sin and focus your energies on keeping your commitment. If you do not think you can stop cold turkey, then break down the sin into small parts and commit to stopping one part at a time, or to a gradual reduction of the behavior along a specified schedule. You can speak to your rabbi or rebbetzin for personalized guidance.

Once avoiding that sin or doing that mitzvah which you had not been doing becomes routine, put a check mark next to it and pick another one. Eventually, with God’s help, you will succeed even in areas that are currently very challenging.

5) “I’ve tried to do better and failed; I’ll never be able to change.”

In the beginning, you might have trouble keeping your commitment. Sin has an addictive quality and it is challenging to break free from addictive behavior. To illustrate, smokers attempt to quit, on average, eight to ten times before they are successful. When attempting to separate yourself from the tentacles of sin, be prepared to fail, and be prepared to recommit and try harder each time, until you succeed.

Try the following three strategies to prevent repetition of the sin:

1. Implement safeguards to keep you far away from temptation.

2. Say to yourself, especially when thoughts of sin enter your mind, “I am the son/daughter of the King of kings. I refuse to act in a lowly manner,” or, “I’m not the kind of person who does that,” and think about something else. By letting the evil inclination know that your commitment to avoid sin is non-negotiable, you take the wind out of its sails.

3. Ask God to help you triumph in this struggle. With His help you will succeed and be cleansed of the harmful effects of the sin.

Your self-image plays a pivotal role in whether you will repeat a sin. If you think of yourself as a sinner, that is how you will act. Instead, if you lapse in your commitment to avoid a sin, immediately do the three steps of repentance. Then, tell yourself, “I am no longer the type of person who does that act.” Begin again with a clean slate and a fresh start.

King Solomon wrote in Proverbs (24:16), “Even if a righteous person falls seven times, he will get up…” The Baal Shem Tov, the founder of the Chassidic movement, explained that it is the rising from every fall which enables a person to become righteous. This means that every one of us – no matter how far we may have fallen – has the innate ability to become righteous by refusing to give up. If we pick ourselves up after every fall, our falls will serve as a springboard to incredible growth and achievement.

Tell yourself, giving up is not an option. Keep striving; keep getting up after every fall and with God’s help you will transform yourself into the person you were meant to be.

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Repairing Our Mistakes: How to Ask for Forgiveness

Ever tell a child to apologize? Frequently, he or she would rather do almost anything else than ask for forgiveness. As adults, it is not much different. Why?

Requesting forgiveness means admitting we were wrong. This is a blow to our egos, which think we never make mistakes. But we can shrink our egos down to size by increasing humility.

One way to enhance humility is to remind yourself daily of the following: Everything I am and have accomplished is due to the help of my Creator. My successes and achievements come only from Him. He is my strength and with Him, I can do anything. Without Him, I can do nothing and would be totally helpless. In truth, without God, I am nothing; I wouldn’t even exist.

When we acknowledge our human frailty, we can then be on the lookout for our inevitable mistakes and immediately correct them.

There are numerous ways we harm others: Speaking negatively about them, making hurtful comments, ignoring or mistreating them, causing financial harm or withholding items or monies due.

The above list encompasses common behavior. Yet, many times we do not realize we have committed them. People frequently think they have done the right thing, even when they are grossly mistaken. As the saying goes, “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.” A frightening thought – if we often do not realize we harmed someone, emotionally or financially, how can we be certain we are not walking on that road?

1) Be brutally honest. When we are honest with ourselves, we will acknowledge that we are very good at rationalizing sinful behavior and fooling ourselves into thinking that what we are doing is technically OK. Ask yourself, “Even if what I’m doing is within the letter of the law, am I doing, “…What is straight and what is good in the eyes of God...(Deuteronomy 6:18)?”

The more complex and self-serving the logic needed to justify our behavior, the greater the chances that it is evil in God’s eyes. In the end, His view is the only one that matters.

Ask, “What do I want more: To be right or to do right? Am I willing to admit I was wrong in order to do what is right?”

When you are ready to do the right thing – your Creator’s will – at all costs and ask Him for assistance, He will help you achieve your goal.

2) Learn the law. Study the Torah’s guidelines for interpersonal behavior. One resource is Rabbi Yitzchok Silver’s fascinating book, The Code of Jewish Conduct: The laws of interpersonal relationships. In addition, Rabbi Silver recently authored, Money in Halachah: A Comprehensive Guide to Business and Domestic Money-related Halachos.

Another important work on monetary laws is Halachos of Other Peoples’ Money by Rabbi Yisroel Pinchos Bodner. The title is telling; a common error which leads many to violate the prohibition of stealing is the assumption that “I’m not a thief; the money in question is mine.” When discussing a situation with a knowledgeable rabbi we may discover, in more scenarios than we expect, that God says, “The money in question is not yours, it is other peoples’ money.”

3) Ask your rabbi. Even when you think you know the law, in matters where you have a vested interest, it is important to consult with a rabbi for an unbiased perspective. King Solomon taught us (Proverbs 12:15), “The way of the fool is correct in his own eyes, but he who is wise listens to advice.”

In general, if someone has made a claim against you, financial or emotional, or if you caused someone distress in any way, either apologize and make amends, or go to a rabbi well versed in Torah law and find out how the Torah guides one to act. If possible, invite the other party to present their side, as you have a biased view of the situation.

A quick guide to asking for forgiveness

Motivate yourself: Asking someone for forgiveness requires sufficient motivation. To start, realize that God does not overlook the harm done to one of His children; if we do not do our best to right the wrongs we have committed, those sins will come back to haunt us.

In addition, think of the sense of freedom that comes with being forgiven, when the heavy weight of harm done to others has been lifted from your shoulders.

Some people do not want to apologize because they are concerned they will repeat the same mistake and make asking for forgiveness meaningless. Apologizing is not the equivalent of taking an oath never to repeat the offense. When we say we are sorry, we are saying: We feel badly we have caused them distress, we will make it up to them, if appropriate, and we are committed to do better in the future.

Make a list of those whom you have harmed: Consider family members, friends, neighbors, fellow congregants, business associates, former classmates, individuals with whom you are not on good terms and those with whom you have had a conflict in the past. (Even when we were right, frequently, we may have needlessly hurt other people.) Consult with your rabbi if you are unsure about the need to apologize to someone or if you think it will only make matters worse.

Commit to approaching the person: Once you have compiled your list, choose the person you think will be easiest to make amends with and pick a date on which you commit to call, write, or approach them. Focus on one or more people each week, until you have cleared your slate.

During the exchange: When you ask for forgiveness, be sincere and to the point. Acknowledge what you did and that it was wrong. Do not give excuses or minimize what happened. Express regret and make amends, when applicable. Use phrases such as: “I’m sorry,” “I apologize,” “Please forgive me,” or, “Do you forgive me?” Most of the time, people will graciously forgive us if we show sincere regret and a desire to make things right.

Sometimes, people are dismissive and respond to our request for forgiveness with, “Don’t worry about it,” “It’s OK,” or, “It was no big deal.” In that case, it would be best to say to them, “To get the most closure, I’d appreciate it if you said, ‘I forgive you.’”

The High Holiday season is an especially good time to ask for forgiveness. People are more likely to be forgiving then and the holidays provide a natural lead-in for the conversation, e.g., “Rosh Hashanah is around the corner and I would like to begin the New Year with a clean slate. I feel badly about the time I….”

Afterward: If they forgive you, thank them; they have just given you a gift. In the future, do the best you can to prevent a recurrence of the wrong that was done, and go out of your way to be helpful to them.

Once you have secured a person’s forgiveness, put a check mark next to his or her name and move on to the next person on your list.

Repairing the world one person at a time

Each individual is precious and is compared to an entire world (Talmud Sanhedrin 37a). Therefore, when we harm someone, it is as if we have damaged the whole world. When we make amends and request forgiveness, it is as if we have repaired the entire world.

The world is in dire need of repair; many are hurting from wrongs done to them. From whom will you request forgiveness?

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Dealing with Distressing Memories

King David compared one who has faith in God to “…A suckling child beside its mother…(Psalms 131:2)” Imagine how an infant feels while resting after being nursed. When we realize our Creator is guiding our lives and we unconditionally accept His will, the peaceful feeling of complete reliance and contentment can be ours.

Maintaining an attitude of reliance and contentment can be very challenging, especially when faced with a distressing incident or memory. You may find the following exercise helpful. The first part of this exercise is based on the pendulation technique by trauma expert and author Peter A. Levine. In this technique, a person gently shifts awareness back and forth between focusing on something which currently brings up emotional distress and something which brings up emotional calm. This can help neutralize the emotional distress which the incident used to bring up.

Only do this exercise with memories you feel safe thinking about and not with ones that are overwhelming or very disturbing. In those cases, seek professional help, or at least read works focused on the treatment of trauma, such as those by Peter A. Levine, among other authors. If while doing this exercise you feel increased distress, stop the exercise, and do something else which you find calming and relaxing.

Exercise: Sit comfortably or lie down. Bring to mind the image of an infant resting after being fed. Imagine you are that infant, resting in the protection of your Creator who provides for all your needs. As best you can, try to tap into feelings of trust, safety, peace and contentment. To facilitate this, you can recall a time when you felt those feelings. You can also use a different calming image if you find that more effective.

Now, think of a distressing event – start with only a mild one. While visualizing yourself in the unpleasant situation, realize that you are like that infant, always resting in the protection of your Creator, no matter where you are. Gently shift back and forth, between visualizing the distressing incident and feeling the emotions associated with it, and visualizing the comforting image of the infant (or a different image) and feeling the emotions associated with that. Keep doing this, until you generally feel calmer, and/or are able to feel some feelings of safety and protection even while thinking about the distressing event.

When you are ready, begin the second step of this exercise which will incorporate the use of affirmations. While thinking about the distressing incident, say out loud, “My Father is always by my side.” Imagine a trusted confidante asking you, “How does it feel to have your Father always by your side?” Pause, while you tap into the feeling.

While still visualizing the distressing incident, say, “I relax into my Father’s support.” Imagine being asked, “How would it feel to completely relax into your Father’s support?”

Clear your mind of the incident and take a deep breath in. As you exhale slowly through the mouth, with a sigh of relief, feel your body go limp; allow yourself to completely let go and relax into your Father’s support. Do this for at least two exhalations.

Now rest in a state of being completely supported and protected.

After you have done the above technique a number of times, you can try the digest version: While thinking about or experiencing a distressing event, take a deep breath in and as you exhale slowly through the mouth think, “I relax into my Father’s support.” Do this for at least two exhalations.

An alternative exercise is to think while slowly breathing in, “God is with me” and while slowly breathing out, “I relax into my Father’s support.”
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Discover Your Inner Peace

Inner peace, the feeling of deep tranquility, is often sought after, yet seldom achieved. At the core of inner peace is acceptance: Accepting ourselves, and the life our Creator has given us. We achieve acceptance by making peace with ourselves over past mistakes and by making peace with our Creator over life’s challenges. After we have made peace with the way life has unfolded on the outside, we can find peace on the inside.

Making peace with ourselves

Forgiving and accepting ourselves is challenging. Yet, when we berate and harshly criticize ourselves, we do more harm than good. If a person views himself as worthless and bad, that is how he will act. We need to have a positive image of ourselves, one we will be motivated to live up to.

Do damage control: Before attempting to make peace with yourself for a mistake – whether as minor as burning dinner or as major as getting scammed – first take responsibility for the error and repair the damage as best you can. Depending on the situation, see if you have to first ask for forgiveness from others and/or from God (if you are unsure, speak to a rabbi).

Reflect: Consider what you learned from the experience and what you will do differently in the future; write these down to refer back to. Then see if you can let go of the blame or guilt you feel about the event.

What if you cannot let go?

Acknowledge God is guiding your life: Unless you willfully did what you knew was wrong or negligent, your mistakes come from God for your highest good; nothing, not even our errors, happens without His permission. What you thought was a mistake was just one step along a path leading to where you need to go.

Embrace your imperfections: Who gave you your flaws? Who made you prone to error? God. Accept the way He created you – which is the optimal setup to fulfill your life’s purpose. In addition, acknowledge that no one is perfect; we all have challenges and make mistakes. Ask yourself, “At the time of the incident, was I doing the best I could in a difficult situation? Am I certain that if others where in my exact position – with the all challenges and issues going on – they would have done any better?”

Treat yourself as you would others: Frequently, we are harder on ourselves than on others. We may overlook a wrong someone else did, but consider our own mistakes unforgivable. Don’t we deserve the same compassion and acceptance? After repenting, God forgives us, shouldn’t we forgive ourselves?

Forgive: When you are ready, look in the mirror, think about the mistake you made and say out loud, “I forgive myself.”

If you have trouble forgiving yourself, perhaps you need to first focus on forgiving others. When you become a more forgiving person, you will have an easier time forgiving yourself. Also, focus on enhancing your self-image to help you realize that you are worthy of forgiveness (see, “How to Stop Hating and Start Loving Yourself).”

Making peace with God

When life does not go as expected – especially when we experience physical, financial or emotional pain – we may feel that we have been treated unfairly by our Creator. We may even be bitter, resentful and angry. How do we handle such strong emotions? How can we become more accepting of the life our Creator has given us?

Express your pain: Nothing is wrong with respectfully questioning God. Throughout Psalms, God is asked why He is sometimes silent and appears to have abandoned us (Psalm 13 among others). We need to express our hurt to Him. We need to ask Him to reveal His sometimes hidden love. At the same time, we need to realize that God never promised a pain-free life – that is not the purpose of this world; this world is about overcoming and growing from challenges. Each challenge comes from God out of His love for us and is for our eternal benefit. We just do not understand the mystery of His ways. He is, after all, infinitely wise and we are not.

Expand your perspective: We can learn to be appreciative of the blessings God gives us and has given us throughout our lives. When we do, we will view the times we did not see His guiding hand in context with all the times He was clearly present, providing and protecting us. The periods of our lives marked by dark clouds do not reflect a change in His involvement, just a change in our ability to perceive His providence.

Accept unconditionally: The aspects of our lives we like – the gifts – and those we do not like – the challenges – both come from our Creator; they coalesce and form a unified whole. As Job said (Job 2:10), “…Will we accept the good from God and not accept the bad?”

Challenges, open us up and enable us to discover our inner gifts; the more intense our struggles, the more intense the gifts waiting to be uncovered.

Weave your unique tapestry: In truth, everything is a gift, some sugar-coated, others very bitter. God gives us the strands we need to fulfill our life’s purpose; we have to weave them together, the sweet and the bitter, into an exquisite tapestry that only we can make. If one strand was prematurely removed or absent, our life’s work would be deficient. At the end of our lives, we will present our handiwork to our Father in Heaven, with the hope that we have made our Father proud.

Reveal your inner sweetness: Sometimes, we call out to God in pain and ask, “Why? Why this suffering?” In the next world we will understand. For now, consider the following metaphor: Only when an orange is squeezed does incredible sweetness pour out. Within each one of us, emanating from deep within our souls, is incredible sweetness. When life is difficult – when you are squeezed and “hugged” by God – let your soul’s sweetness burst forth, returning His embrace, with an outpouring of heartfelt faith, sincere repentance, fervent prayer, and selfless acts of kindness. When God hugs you, hug Him back. When you hug God, out pours from the Heavens healing and blessing; not always when we want or in the way we want, but always when and what we need.

Pray: When you are ready, say to your Creator, “I know my suffering and difficulties come from You; they are out of Your endless love for me and for my ultimate good. I know You are all-powerful and infinitely wise and that I cannot understand Your ways. Help me accept, grow from and transcend my challenges.”

Discovering inner peace

You have an oasis of peace inside you. The door through which you enter this oasis is unconditional acceptance. To help you find this door, think about, throughout the day, that God is with you. He is guiding your life, protecting and strengthening you, and giving you exactly what you need for each moment. 

With faith, comes the awareness that nothing bad will happen to you, ever. Painful events? Definitely, but always for your highest good. You realize that come what may, “God is with me, I have no fear…(Psalms 118:6)”

While making reasonable efforts to improve your life, give over your problems to God and rely on Him to take care of you. Let go of worry, let go of fear, and relax into your Father’s support.
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