Dear Friends,
This is a post about the Jewish month of Av, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.
Rosh Chodesh Av begins this Sunday night, the 27th of July, and lasts for one day. Rosh Chodesh marks the beginning of the period known as the "Nine Days."
On the ninth of this month – Tisha B’Av – we fast to commemorate the destruction of the First and Second Temples. We remember a time when God “hid His face” from the Jewish people and we felt distant from Him. During this month, reestablish and deepen your relationship with God through the practice of Hitbodedut – talking informally to Him in your native language.
Speak to God for at least five to fifteen minutes, unburdening yourself to Him. Try this practice at least once, although preferably for a week or month and see how it can help you feel closer to God and to fortifying yourself with His comfort and support.
Continue last month’s focus on forgiveness and letting go of bitterness from the past. What is a step you can take to reduce or resolve an interpersonal conflict in your life? How can you bring more peace and acceptance to your relationships? How can you keep a disagreement from deteriorating into personal animosity?
We are a small nation surrounded by enemies bent on our destruction, as we see clearly with the fighting going on in Gaza. To defeat the hatred against our people, we need to defeat the hatred within our people. Between now and Tisha B’Av, go out of your way to be forgiving and overlook the faults of others. Go out of your way to be kind and loving to others.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
What Happens to Our Seemingly Unanswered Prayers?
We pray because we believe that prayer works, that God hears our prayers and will help us. Yet, what are we to believe when we pray for something and there is no change in the difficulty, or the person we were praying for passes away? What happens to those seemingly unanswered prayers?
1. God’s love is stronger than our prayers. Some Divine decrees can be rescinded through prayer, others cannot. This is not a sign of the weakness of prayer; it is a sign of the strength of God’s love for us. Certain hardships need to happen for our eternal benefit, for reasons we do not understand. Those difficulties will occur, even if we pray.
As an analogy, if a child needs to undergo a painful medical procedure, no amount of pleading will change the parent’s minds; not because they do not care, precisely because they do care. Although they will insist the child undergo the procedure, they will do whatever they can to support and comfort the child.
So too with God, our Father in Heaven, if something is for our highest good, it will happen, even if it is painful for us and even if we plead with Him. He will though, use our prayers to ensure that we receive the support, strength and comfort we need to get through the challenge.
When you pray to God and ask for His help, know that whatever happens will be God’s will and for your highest good. Know that good will come from your prayer; it may be in a manner you did not expect, at a later date, in another area of your life or benefit a loved one.
2. We will eventually receive what is truly good for us. When we pray for something which does not occur, either the right time has not yet arrived or God has decided that it is not for our highest good. Many of us can think of prayers we said which were eventually answered, at a time and manner God deemed optimal. We might also be able to recall prayers we are glad God did not fulfill, as we see in hindsight how it would not have been beneficial to us.
At times, God decides that it is best if we do not receive a certain blessing and that we endure a particular hardship. Even for those areas – the ones we cry over – when the Messiah comes, God will heal them. The prophet Isaiah tells us that during the Messianic era (Isaiah 25:8), “…The Lord God will wipe away the tears from all faces…”
In the meantime, while we continue to pray to God for what is lacking in our lives, we must be patient and accept His will. We must make the most of what we have and realize that right now – without any change in our life circumstance – we can still live a meaningful life.
3. The purpose of prayer is not to change God, it is to change us. The Sages teach that God is always sending us blessing. If we or the world in general are not fit to receive this blessing, we experience it as a difficulty. When we pray, we change ourselves, making ourselves better able to receive the blessing God sends us. (Because of this, as long as the possibility exists for a particular prayer to be answered, we should continue to pray and enhance our ability to receive that blessing.)
There are times when we have to experience hardship (see, “5 Reasons for Suffering”). In those cases, our prayers will not transform the difficulty; instead, they will transform us. Fervent prayer transforms us by strengthening our faith that everything comes from God and that He can do anything. Intense prayer lowers our attachment to materialism and raises our spirituality. It uplifts our souls, bringing us closer to God. Through prayer, we can come so close to God that during challenging times, we feel enveloped in the safety of His embrace.
4. We build a crown for God. Rebbe Nachman of Breslov writes that each of us is a crown for God (Likutey Moharan 6:15). We are His crown in the sense that as His children, when we lead exemplary lives, we bring Him glory. In light of this teaching, when we pray for others, we are adding precious gems to their personal crown for God. If they pass away, after countless prayers have been said on their behalf, they carry with them this shining crown to Heaven. There, they present this crown, bedecked with countless gems, to their Father in Heaven; it is a crown He wears with special pride.
The same goes for ourselves; when we pray for ourselves, we enhance our own crown for God and reveal an even more intense level of His glory to the world.
Address your challenges from three different angles: (1) Pray, (2) Make reasonable efforts to overcome the difficulty and (3) Look for ways to grow and make the most of the situation. This way, whatever happens is win-win: Even if you do not see tangible results from your prayers and material efforts, you still use the challenge as a catalyst for growth. You still draw strength from the knowledge that in the end, you will receive what is truly good for you. With this perspective, you can be accepting of your challenges, even as you work to improve your difficulties.
Bottom line: Do not pray solely to receive a specific outcome; only God knows what is best. Pray because you’re hurting; pray because your Father in Heaven wants to hear from you and soothe your pain; pray because through prayer you can feel His embrace.
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1. God’s love is stronger than our prayers. Some Divine decrees can be rescinded through prayer, others cannot. This is not a sign of the weakness of prayer; it is a sign of the strength of God’s love for us. Certain hardships need to happen for our eternal benefit, for reasons we do not understand. Those difficulties will occur, even if we pray.
As an analogy, if a child needs to undergo a painful medical procedure, no amount of pleading will change the parent’s minds; not because they do not care, precisely because they do care. Although they will insist the child undergo the procedure, they will do whatever they can to support and comfort the child.
So too with God, our Father in Heaven, if something is for our highest good, it will happen, even if it is painful for us and even if we plead with Him. He will though, use our prayers to ensure that we receive the support, strength and comfort we need to get through the challenge.
When you pray to God and ask for His help, know that whatever happens will be God’s will and for your highest good. Know that good will come from your prayer; it may be in a manner you did not expect, at a later date, in another area of your life or benefit a loved one.
2. We will eventually receive what is truly good for us. When we pray for something which does not occur, either the right time has not yet arrived or God has decided that it is not for our highest good. Many of us can think of prayers we said which were eventually answered, at a time and manner God deemed optimal. We might also be able to recall prayers we are glad God did not fulfill, as we see in hindsight how it would not have been beneficial to us.
At times, God decides that it is best if we do not receive a certain blessing and that we endure a particular hardship. Even for those areas – the ones we cry over – when the Messiah comes, God will heal them. The prophet Isaiah tells us that during the Messianic era (Isaiah 25:8), “…The Lord God will wipe away the tears from all faces…”
In the meantime, while we continue to pray to God for what is lacking in our lives, we must be patient and accept His will. We must make the most of what we have and realize that right now – without any change in our life circumstance – we can still live a meaningful life.
3. The purpose of prayer is not to change God, it is to change us. The Sages teach that God is always sending us blessing. If we or the world in general are not fit to receive this blessing, we experience it as a difficulty. When we pray, we change ourselves, making ourselves better able to receive the blessing God sends us. (Because of this, as long as the possibility exists for a particular prayer to be answered, we should continue to pray and enhance our ability to receive that blessing.)
There are times when we have to experience hardship (see, “5 Reasons for Suffering”). In those cases, our prayers will not transform the difficulty; instead, they will transform us. Fervent prayer transforms us by strengthening our faith that everything comes from God and that He can do anything. Intense prayer lowers our attachment to materialism and raises our spirituality. It uplifts our souls, bringing us closer to God. Through prayer, we can come so close to God that during challenging times, we feel enveloped in the safety of His embrace.
4. We build a crown for God. Rebbe Nachman of Breslov writes that each of us is a crown for God (Likutey Moharan 6:15). We are His crown in the sense that as His children, when we lead exemplary lives, we bring Him glory. In light of this teaching, when we pray for others, we are adding precious gems to their personal crown for God. If they pass away, after countless prayers have been said on their behalf, they carry with them this shining crown to Heaven. There, they present this crown, bedecked with countless gems, to their Father in Heaven; it is a crown He wears with special pride.
The same goes for ourselves; when we pray for ourselves, we enhance our own crown for God and reveal an even more intense level of His glory to the world.
Address your challenges from three different angles: (1) Pray, (2) Make reasonable efforts to overcome the difficulty and (3) Look for ways to grow and make the most of the situation. This way, whatever happens is win-win: Even if you do not see tangible results from your prayers and material efforts, you still use the challenge as a catalyst for growth. You still draw strength from the knowledge that in the end, you will receive what is truly good for you. With this perspective, you can be accepting of your challenges, even as you work to improve your difficulties.
Bottom line: Do not pray solely to receive a specific outcome; only God knows what is best. Pray because you’re hurting; pray because your Father in Heaven wants to hear from you and soothe your pain; pray because through prayer you can feel His embrace.
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Saturday, June 21, 2014
Tammuz: Forgiveness (In the merit of the kidnapped teens)
Dear Friends,
This is a post about the Jewish month of Tammuz, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.
Rosh Chodesh Tammuz begins Friday night, June 27th and lasts for two days, Shabbat and Sunday.
On the 17th of Tammuz we fast to commemorate the breaching of the walls of Jerusalem before the destruction of the First Temple. This is the beginning of the period known as The Three Weeks which ends next month on Tisha B’Av, the day we mourn the destruction of the First and Second Temples. The Sages teach that a key reason the Messiah has not yet come to rebuild the Temple is because of the sin of hating one’s fellow Jew.
Especially now, when three of our own are being held hostage by terrorists, we must come together as a people and let go of hatred and infighting.
As a merit for their safe and speedy release, pick one person from whom you are estranged or feel bitterness toward, and take the first step to peace or to removing some of the bitterness from your heart.
The first article below discusses how to forgive others and the second, how to forgive ourselves. If you find one form of forgiveness particularly challenging, start with the other one. The third article is an updated and retitled version of a previous post about how to respond to a crisis.
The Freedom of Forgiveness: 3 Strategies to Letting Go
Discover Your Inner Peace
4 Steps to an Effective Response to Someone Else’s Crisis
Take care, may we hear good news soon and may God grant us success in the coming month,
Yaakov
Please forward this post to family and friends who may be interested in it.
This is a post about the Jewish month of Tammuz, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.
Rosh Chodesh Tammuz begins Friday night, June 27th and lasts for two days, Shabbat and Sunday.
On the 17th of Tammuz we fast to commemorate the breaching of the walls of Jerusalem before the destruction of the First Temple. This is the beginning of the period known as The Three Weeks which ends next month on Tisha B’Av, the day we mourn the destruction of the First and Second Temples. The Sages teach that a key reason the Messiah has not yet come to rebuild the Temple is because of the sin of hating one’s fellow Jew.
Especially now, when three of our own are being held hostage by terrorists, we must come together as a people and let go of hatred and infighting.
As a merit for their safe and speedy release, pick one person from whom you are estranged or feel bitterness toward, and take the first step to peace or to removing some of the bitterness from your heart.
The first article below discusses how to forgive others and the second, how to forgive ourselves. If you find one form of forgiveness particularly challenging, start with the other one. The third article is an updated and retitled version of a previous post about how to respond to a crisis.
The Freedom of Forgiveness: 3 Strategies to Letting Go
Discover Your Inner Peace
4 Steps to an Effective Response to Someone Else’s Crisis
Take care, may we hear good news soon and may God grant us success in the coming month,
Yaakov
Please forward this post to family and friends who may be interested in it.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
How to Respond Effectively to a Crisis or Tragedy
Often, when we hear about a crisis or tragedy, we feel helpless. After all, what can we do? But there is a way to respond effectively. Here are three steps how.
1. Do what you can to help. Assistance can be divided into four areas. Sometimes, we can only help in one or two areas, other times, in all four:
a. Spiritual. Choose something to do in the merit of those affected. For example, each day, say an extra Psalm, give extra charity, do an extra mitzvah or be extra careful to avoid a particular sin.
b. Financial. A crisis or tragedy can be a severe financial drain on people. Offering an interest free loan, a cash gift or directing them to organizations that help people in their circumstance, can be a real lifeline. (Support those organizations and depending on the particular circumstance, do what can be done to help prevent future occurrences.)
c. Material. Cook or shop for them, or invite them for a Shabbat meal. Carpool, offer to watch their kids or take the kids on an outing. If you do not know the people personally, see if you can find someone you know in common to ask them if they are interested in your help.
While giving guidance can sometimes be helpful, do not offer unsolicited advice. First determine if they are interested; people can easily become overwhelmed by an onslaught of well-intentioned suggestions.
Those in crisis are more likely to accept your offer of assistance if you are specific, e.g., “Can I do X for you?” instead of, “Let me know if you need anything.” Talk with them to identify the areas that would be most helpful to them, and respect their decision if they are not currently interested in your assistance. You can ask them again at a later date, if you think they may be open to it then.
d. Emotional. Just offering a shoulder to lean on or a listening ear goes a long way. We often overlook the importance of this type of help, but to people in pain, the emotional support of family and friends is essential.
We need to have two phases of help. The first phase is in the beginning, when we do whatever we can to stabilize the crisis. Then comes the second phase, when we figure out how much help we can offer on an ongoing basis without depleting ourselves or ignoring other responsibilities.
Enlist the help of others and coordinate who does what. This will ensure that no one person is overburdened and that the people receive the help they need for as long as they need.
Some crises are loud – everyone is talking about them. Others are silent and are easily overlooked, e.g., a person out of work or chronically ill, a family unable to pay their bills, someone having trouble finding a spouse, a child struggling in school or in a difficult family situation, or a teen at risk. They too require our attention and help.
At times, we get caught up in a loud crisis that we can do little about and ignore a silent one taking place in our very own community. Use a loud crisis to wake you up to get involved in a silent one closer to home.
Is there someone you know out of work, looking for a spouse or going through a tough time? Make your voice heard so that they no longer suffer in silence.
2. Look for ways to grow. We do not know why crises or tragedies happen; only God does. But what we do know is that they are opportunities for growth.
Ask, “How can I grow from this? How can I use this to become a better person, closer to God and more focused on what’s really important in life?”
There is often an area in our lives where we have been sitting on the fence, either something we are doing we know is wrong, or a mitzvah observance we want to strengthen. Use a crisis to propel you off the fence and make that one change you have been contemplating.
We frequently stumble in the area of interpersonal relationships. We may make excuses as to why it is okay to gossip about or hate certain people, or why the emotional or financial harm we caused others was not sinful. But when a crisis strikes, all those excuses sound hollow and we realize how petty and wrong we were. Use a crisis as a catalyst to reach out to those from whom you are estranged or to those whom you have wronged. Take the first step toward peace or asking for forgiveness.
There are times when we pray intensely but the crisis continues unabated. We cry out (Psalms 44:24), “Awaken! Why do you seem to sleep O Lord?” Often though, aren’t we the ones who are asleep and continue in our misguided ways? We need to wake ourselves up. Once we have changed for the better, we strengthen our prayers that God change the crisis for the better.
If a crisis turns into a tragedy, that does not mean we did not do enough or that our prayers were in vain. God’s ways are beyond us and no prayer is ever wasted. Good will come from those prayers; what and when we do not know.
3. Strengthen your faith. Having faith can help you be appropriately concerned about a crisis, without becoming consumed by it. If you are constantly checking the news, thinking about it all the time, and walking around in a cloud of despair and worry – no one benefits; not you and not those affected.
With faith, we believe that God runs the world and that whatever happens is for the ultimate good (in ways beyond our ability to understand, as God is Omniscient and we are not). Everything will work out in the end, whether in this world or in the next. With faith, we cannot explain how things will work out, but we know they will. With faith, we know that God is by our side and that if we make the effort to assist those in need and grow from a crisis, He will help us.
Although we may initially feel helpless when we hear about a crisis or tragedy, there is no time or reason for despair. We have work to do, and God will give us the strength we need to do it.
1. Do what you can to help. Assistance can be divided into four areas. Sometimes, we can only help in one or two areas, other times, in all four:
a. Spiritual. Choose something to do in the merit of those affected. For example, each day, say an extra Psalm, give extra charity, do an extra mitzvah or be extra careful to avoid a particular sin.
b. Financial. A crisis or tragedy can be a severe financial drain on people. Offering an interest free loan, a cash gift or directing them to organizations that help people in their circumstance, can be a real lifeline. (Support those organizations and depending on the particular circumstance, do what can be done to help prevent future occurrences.)
c. Material. Cook or shop for them, or invite them for a Shabbat meal. Carpool, offer to watch their kids or take the kids on an outing. If you do not know the people personally, see if you can find someone you know in common to ask them if they are interested in your help.
While giving guidance can sometimes be helpful, do not offer unsolicited advice. First determine if they are interested; people can easily become overwhelmed by an onslaught of well-intentioned suggestions.
Those in crisis are more likely to accept your offer of assistance if you are specific, e.g., “Can I do X for you?” instead of, “Let me know if you need anything.” Talk with them to identify the areas that would be most helpful to them, and respect their decision if they are not currently interested in your assistance. You can ask them again at a later date, if you think they may be open to it then.
d. Emotional. Just offering a shoulder to lean on or a listening ear goes a long way. We often overlook the importance of this type of help, but to people in pain, the emotional support of family and friends is essential.
We need to have two phases of help. The first phase is in the beginning, when we do whatever we can to stabilize the crisis. Then comes the second phase, when we figure out how much help we can offer on an ongoing basis without depleting ourselves or ignoring other responsibilities.
Enlist the help of others and coordinate who does what. This will ensure that no one person is overburdened and that the people receive the help they need for as long as they need.
Some crises are loud – everyone is talking about them. Others are silent and are easily overlooked, e.g., a person out of work or chronically ill, a family unable to pay their bills, someone having trouble finding a spouse, a child struggling in school or in a difficult family situation, or a teen at risk. They too require our attention and help.
At times, we get caught up in a loud crisis that we can do little about and ignore a silent one taking place in our very own community. Use a loud crisis to wake you up to get involved in a silent one closer to home.
Is there someone you know out of work, looking for a spouse or going through a tough time? Make your voice heard so that they no longer suffer in silence.
2. Look for ways to grow. We do not know why crises or tragedies happen; only God does. But what we do know is that they are opportunities for growth.
Ask, “How can I grow from this? How can I use this to become a better person, closer to God and more focused on what’s really important in life?”
There is often an area in our lives where we have been sitting on the fence, either something we are doing we know is wrong, or a mitzvah observance we want to strengthen. Use a crisis to propel you off the fence and make that one change you have been contemplating.
We frequently stumble in the area of interpersonal relationships. We may make excuses as to why it is okay to gossip about or hate certain people, or why the emotional or financial harm we caused others was not sinful. But when a crisis strikes, all those excuses sound hollow and we realize how petty and wrong we were. Use a crisis as a catalyst to reach out to those from whom you are estranged or to those whom you have wronged. Take the first step toward peace or asking for forgiveness.
There are times when we pray intensely but the crisis continues unabated. We cry out (Psalms 44:24), “Awaken! Why do you seem to sleep O Lord?” Often though, aren’t we the ones who are asleep and continue in our misguided ways? We need to wake ourselves up. Once we have changed for the better, we strengthen our prayers that God change the crisis for the better.
If a crisis turns into a tragedy, that does not mean we did not do enough or that our prayers were in vain. God’s ways are beyond us and no prayer is ever wasted. Good will come from those prayers; what and when we do not know.
3. Strengthen your faith. Having faith can help you be appropriately concerned about a crisis, without becoming consumed by it. If you are constantly checking the news, thinking about it all the time, and walking around in a cloud of despair and worry – no one benefits; not you and not those affected.
With faith, we believe that God runs the world and that whatever happens is for the ultimate good (in ways beyond our ability to understand, as God is Omniscient and we are not). Everything will work out in the end, whether in this world or in the next. With faith, we cannot explain how things will work out, but we know they will. With faith, we know that God is by our side and that if we make the effort to assist those in need and grow from a crisis, He will help us.
Although we may initially feel helpless when we hear about a crisis or tragedy, there is no time or reason for despair. We have work to do, and God will give us the strength we need to do it.
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Thursday, May 29, 2014
Revamped Checklist and Possible Entries List
Dear friends,
In response to comments, I have revamped the Daily Checklist
as well as the listing of possible entries for your checklist. You can access
either one, by clicking on their title.
The Daily Checklist can be used to incorporate any behavior
into your daily routine. For example, exercise, reading a chapter from a book, decluttering
etc. Using a checklist can be a very useful tool to stay on track and help us do the things we would like to do.
Feel free to reply to this email with any comments or suggestions. Or, you can use the comment section on the blog.
Have a Shabbat Shalom and Chodesh Tov,
Yaakov
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Sivan: Living the Torah’s wisdom
Dear Friends,
This is a post about the Jewish month of Sivan, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.
Rosh Chodesh Sivan begins Thursday night, May 29th. The holiday of Shavuot begins Tuesday night, June 3rd.
On Shavuot, we celebrate receiving on Mount Sinai the Torah, God’s instruction manual for life. Even those who are unaffiliated, without realizing it, observe part of the Torah. For example, take the 10 Commandments: Many believe in God, do not worship idols, honor their parents, do not commit murder, adultery etc.
Begin at whatever level of observance you are currently on, and during this month, pick one area to strengthen for at least this month. At the end of each day/week, check off on your check list if you kept that observance. (If possible, speak to your rabbi or spiritual mentor for guidance.)
The majority of the 10 Commandments focus on what not to do. In the article below, we take a look at the hidden side of the commandments – the positive actions we can do to enhance our lives.
Reading for the month:
The Hidden Side of the Ten Commandments
Take care, have a Happy Shavuot and may God grant you success in the coming month,
Yaakov
This is a post about the Jewish month of Sivan, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.
Rosh Chodesh Sivan begins Thursday night, May 29th. The holiday of Shavuot begins Tuesday night, June 3rd.
On Shavuot, we celebrate receiving on Mount Sinai the Torah, God’s instruction manual for life. Even those who are unaffiliated, without realizing it, observe part of the Torah. For example, take the 10 Commandments: Many believe in God, do not worship idols, honor their parents, do not commit murder, adultery etc.
Begin at whatever level of observance you are currently on, and during this month, pick one area to strengthen for at least this month. At the end of each day/week, check off on your check list if you kept that observance. (If possible, speak to your rabbi or spiritual mentor for guidance.)
The majority of the 10 Commandments focus on what not to do. In the article below, we take a look at the hidden side of the commandments – the positive actions we can do to enhance our lives.
Reading for the month:
The Hidden Side of the Ten Commandments
Take care, have a Happy Shavuot and may God grant you success in the coming month,
Yaakov
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
How to Stop Hating and Start Loving Yourself
A number of people have told me that they do not like or feel good about themselves; some, even hate themselves. Many of us struggle with this issue. If you do, consider the following: You are going to live with yourself for the rest of your life, so take the time now to develop a loving relationship.
To start, complete the following sentence: “I dislike/hate (or do not feel good about) myself because I am _____.”
Most likely, you gave one or more of the following reasons: Unpopular and have few friends, not athletic or fit, overweight, unattractive, socially awkward, not smart, have psychological or medical issues, disabled, single, childless, broke, in a dead-end job, or out of work.
Those are superficial reasons. There are people who fit those categories who do not hate themselves; in fact, they love themselves. The question is why do those things bother you more than them?
Self-hatred is not caused by the circumstances of your life; it is caused by your thoughts about your life. Here are five unhealthy thought patterns which can lead to self-hatred and what to do about them.
1. You define yourself by external and temporary characteristics. Most of the qualities mentioned above define your current abilities or situation and change over time. (For example, a person may have few friends while in school but have a wider circle of friends later in life. Or, they may be unemployed for a while but then find a fulfilling job.) None of those qualities define who you are – your essence.
Your soul is your essence; the part of you that never changes, never ages and never leaves you. Your soul is with you in this world and will be with you in the World to Come.
Because you are your soul, it is a misnomer to say, “I hate myself,” as there is nothing about a spiritual soul to hate. What you might hate or dislike are aspects of your material life which you think are bad.
With our limited perception, it is understandable to wish things were different than they are. At the same time, you can learn to be more accepting of your difficulties by acknowledging that God, in His infinite wisdom, created every aspect of your life for your benefit.
2. You think others are better than you. Maybe in certain areas they are. So what? Your worth is not tied to what you can do; it is tied to who you are – one of God’s children, created in His image. As one of His children, you have intrinsic value and no one is “better” or more worthy than you. We all deserve respect, kindness and love.
The Talmud teaches (Sanhedrin 37a) that each individual is obligated to say, “For me, the world was created.” The spiritual power you possess is so awesome that it would be worthwhile for God to create the entire world just so you could live an elevated life in it. Ignore anyone – including the critical voice in your head – who tells you you’re not good enough. God thinks you are and that’s all that matters.
Feel good about yourself and what you have achieved. For the area of your life in which you want to improve, make a plan on how you will do so. But at the same time, feel proud about what you have accomplished amidst many challenges.
Sometimes, people who think others are better than them had someone hypercritical in their lives, and/or they did not receive enough positive reinforcement growing up. Speaking to a mentor or a recommended therapist can be beneficial. They will help you realize that with hypercritical people, it was their issue not yours. You have done much to deserve praise, even if others never acknowledged your efforts and achievements. Going forward, it is important to avoid or at least minimize contact with those who are hypercritical, and to spend time with those who value you and are complimentary. For other suggestions, see, “6 Ways to Deal with Critical Family Members.”
3. You blame yourself for your mistakes. Have you ever done the following? You made a mistake and got so upset with yourself that you mentally screamed out, “I’m such an idiot! I hate myself!”
If yes, then you took credit for something that is not yours. Unless you willfully did what you knew was wrong or negligent, your mistakes come from God for your highest good. God is guiding your life; do not take your mistakes personally. What you thought was a blunder was just one step along a path leading to where you need to go.
Even as you accept that whatever happened was God’s will, take responsibility for your actions, repair the damage as best you can, repent when necessary, and learn for the future. For details, see “Discover Your Inner Peace.”
4. You have not accepted your flaws. Many of us feel deep shame over our weaknesses as if we are personally to blame for them. But are we? Since those weaknesses where given to us by God for our benefit, what are we ashamed of?
If one thinks, “I’m to blame for all my weaknesses. I should be able to do better,” that may be a sign of hidden arrogance. When we are humble, we realize that everything comes from God, both our strengths and our weaknesses. By learning how to deepen your humility, you can become more patient and accepting of yourself. See, “You’re Not Arrogant, But Are You Truly Humble?”
When we do not accept our weaknesses, we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves, often leading to failure. We may set the bar too high because we are trying to outdo others. But life is not about competing against others, it is about doing the best we can. In God’s eyes, the playing field is level; everyone has equal access to their highest potential.
To help you accept your flaws, try the following exercise. Each time you think about a weakness, say to yourself:
This is from God for my eternal benefit. Part of fulfilling my life’s purpose is doing what I can to overcome and grow from this challenge. This will work out in the end; either in this world or in the next. God is with me, giving me the strength and courage I need to triumph.
5. You ignore your good points. One of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov’s most transformative teachings is his emphasis on finding the good in others and in ourselves (Likutey Moharan I, 282). Make a list of your admirable qualities, your life struggles and how far you have come under very challenging circumstances. Preferably, ask your family and/or friends to help you compile your list. Daily, or when feelings of self-loathing erupt, look over your list: Appreciate your positive qualities and talents, feel compassion for your struggles and be proud of your accomplishments.
Use your good points to be more accepting of your weaknesses. The next time you are bothered by a weakness, read over your list of good points and say to yourself, “Well, I can’t have everything.”
For more on acceptance and self-compassion, both key to feeling good about yourself, see, “6 Tools to Enhance Your Mood.”
Our life’s journey is about accumulating good points, e.g., helping others, and living an ethical, moral and meaningful life, as outlined in the Torah. Combine living an elevated life with praising yourself for your achievements and the difficult choices you make to uphold your values; this will enhance your self-esteem and self-love.
If you find it hard to compliment yourself, try this exercise: At the end of each day, think of something praiseworthy you did that day and while smiling at a mirror, compliment yourself out loud. Start by picking anything, even that you got out of bed and did your best to get through the day. If it feels fake to praise yourself, remember the advice, “Fake it, til you make it.” As you get into the habit of acknowledging your achievements, you will feel better about yourself.
To summarize, and phrase them in the positive, five healthy thought patterns characterize people who feel good about themselves.
(1) They realize that a temporary characteristic can improve overtime and even if it doesn’t, that quality is only part of the overall tapestry that is their life; it does not represent their essence.
(2) They realize they have innate value; no one is “better” or more worthy.
(3) They do the best they can and when they make a mistake, they accept responsibility and clean up after themselves. But they do not take their failings personally; they acknowledge that their mistakes are part of God’s overall plan.
(4) They strive for goals appropriate for their current abilities. They focus on developing their strengths, shoring up key weaknesses which get in the way, and accepting the rest.
(5) They compliment themselves for each challenge they overcome. When they have to correct themselves, instead of hurling insults, they use soft words of understanding and encouragement. They are hardworking, good and kind people, and they know it.
Follow their example and over time, you will discover that you too are a likable person; in fact, you’re downright lovable.
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To start, complete the following sentence: “I dislike/hate (or do not feel good about) myself because I am _____.”
Most likely, you gave one or more of the following reasons: Unpopular and have few friends, not athletic or fit, overweight, unattractive, socially awkward, not smart, have psychological or medical issues, disabled, single, childless, broke, in a dead-end job, or out of work.
Those are superficial reasons. There are people who fit those categories who do not hate themselves; in fact, they love themselves. The question is why do those things bother you more than them?
Self-hatred is not caused by the circumstances of your life; it is caused by your thoughts about your life. Here are five unhealthy thought patterns which can lead to self-hatred and what to do about them.
1. You define yourself by external and temporary characteristics. Most of the qualities mentioned above define your current abilities or situation and change over time. (For example, a person may have few friends while in school but have a wider circle of friends later in life. Or, they may be unemployed for a while but then find a fulfilling job.) None of those qualities define who you are – your essence.
Your soul is your essence; the part of you that never changes, never ages and never leaves you. Your soul is with you in this world and will be with you in the World to Come.
Because you are your soul, it is a misnomer to say, “I hate myself,” as there is nothing about a spiritual soul to hate. What you might hate or dislike are aspects of your material life which you think are bad.
With our limited perception, it is understandable to wish things were different than they are. At the same time, you can learn to be more accepting of your difficulties by acknowledging that God, in His infinite wisdom, created every aspect of your life for your benefit.
2. You think others are better than you. Maybe in certain areas they are. So what? Your worth is not tied to what you can do; it is tied to who you are – one of God’s children, created in His image. As one of His children, you have intrinsic value and no one is “better” or more worthy than you. We all deserve respect, kindness and love.
The Talmud teaches (Sanhedrin 37a) that each individual is obligated to say, “For me, the world was created.” The spiritual power you possess is so awesome that it would be worthwhile for God to create the entire world just so you could live an elevated life in it. Ignore anyone – including the critical voice in your head – who tells you you’re not good enough. God thinks you are and that’s all that matters.
Feel good about yourself and what you have achieved. For the area of your life in which you want to improve, make a plan on how you will do so. But at the same time, feel proud about what you have accomplished amidst many challenges.
Sometimes, people who think others are better than them had someone hypercritical in their lives, and/or they did not receive enough positive reinforcement growing up. Speaking to a mentor or a recommended therapist can be beneficial. They will help you realize that with hypercritical people, it was their issue not yours. You have done much to deserve praise, even if others never acknowledged your efforts and achievements. Going forward, it is important to avoid or at least minimize contact with those who are hypercritical, and to spend time with those who value you and are complimentary. For other suggestions, see, “6 Ways to Deal with Critical Family Members.”
3. You blame yourself for your mistakes. Have you ever done the following? You made a mistake and got so upset with yourself that you mentally screamed out, “I’m such an idiot! I hate myself!”
If yes, then you took credit for something that is not yours. Unless you willfully did what you knew was wrong or negligent, your mistakes come from God for your highest good. God is guiding your life; do not take your mistakes personally. What you thought was a blunder was just one step along a path leading to where you need to go.
Even as you accept that whatever happened was God’s will, take responsibility for your actions, repair the damage as best you can, repent when necessary, and learn for the future. For details, see “Discover Your Inner Peace.”
4. You have not accepted your flaws. Many of us feel deep shame over our weaknesses as if we are personally to blame for them. But are we? Since those weaknesses where given to us by God for our benefit, what are we ashamed of?
If one thinks, “I’m to blame for all my weaknesses. I should be able to do better,” that may be a sign of hidden arrogance. When we are humble, we realize that everything comes from God, both our strengths and our weaknesses. By learning how to deepen your humility, you can become more patient and accepting of yourself. See, “You’re Not Arrogant, But Are You Truly Humble?”
When we do not accept our weaknesses, we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves, often leading to failure. We may set the bar too high because we are trying to outdo others. But life is not about competing against others, it is about doing the best we can. In God’s eyes, the playing field is level; everyone has equal access to their highest potential.
To help you accept your flaws, try the following exercise. Each time you think about a weakness, say to yourself:
This is from God for my eternal benefit. Part of fulfilling my life’s purpose is doing what I can to overcome and grow from this challenge. This will work out in the end; either in this world or in the next. God is with me, giving me the strength and courage I need to triumph.
5. You ignore your good points. One of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov’s most transformative teachings is his emphasis on finding the good in others and in ourselves (Likutey Moharan I, 282). Make a list of your admirable qualities, your life struggles and how far you have come under very challenging circumstances. Preferably, ask your family and/or friends to help you compile your list. Daily, or when feelings of self-loathing erupt, look over your list: Appreciate your positive qualities and talents, feel compassion for your struggles and be proud of your accomplishments.
Use your good points to be more accepting of your weaknesses. The next time you are bothered by a weakness, read over your list of good points and say to yourself, “Well, I can’t have everything.”
For more on acceptance and self-compassion, both key to feeling good about yourself, see, “6 Tools to Enhance Your Mood.”
Our life’s journey is about accumulating good points, e.g., helping others, and living an ethical, moral and meaningful life, as outlined in the Torah. Combine living an elevated life with praising yourself for your achievements and the difficult choices you make to uphold your values; this will enhance your self-esteem and self-love.
If you find it hard to compliment yourself, try this exercise: At the end of each day, think of something praiseworthy you did that day and while smiling at a mirror, compliment yourself out loud. Start by picking anything, even that you got out of bed and did your best to get through the day. If it feels fake to praise yourself, remember the advice, “Fake it, til you make it.” As you get into the habit of acknowledging your achievements, you will feel better about yourself.
To summarize, and phrase them in the positive, five healthy thought patterns characterize people who feel good about themselves.
(1) They realize that a temporary characteristic can improve overtime and even if it doesn’t, that quality is only part of the overall tapestry that is their life; it does not represent their essence.
(2) They realize they have innate value; no one is “better” or more worthy.
(3) They do the best they can and when they make a mistake, they accept responsibility and clean up after themselves. But they do not take their failings personally; they acknowledge that their mistakes are part of God’s overall plan.
(4) They strive for goals appropriate for their current abilities. They focus on developing their strengths, shoring up key weaknesses which get in the way, and accepting the rest.
(5) They compliment themselves for each challenge they overcome. When they have to correct themselves, instead of hurling insults, they use soft words of understanding and encouragement. They are hardworking, good and kind people, and they know it.
Follow their example and over time, you will discover that you too are a likable person; in fact, you’re downright lovable.
Please click on one of the icons below to share this article with family and friends.
Please subscribe to this blog by typing your email address in the box on the upper right and clicking on the "Subscribe" tab.
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