6 Steps to Heal From a Loss

When we lose a loved one, we feel as if a part of us has been taken away, leaving a gaping hole in our heart. We wonder, “Will I ever feel whole again?”

Over time, our pain will lessen and the hole in our heart will begin to close. Here are six steps we can take to help us move through our grief.

1. Give yourself emotional first aid. When we experience a loss, we feel adrift in an ocean of pain. Reach out for support. Unburden yourself to God and ask Him to give you strength and comfort. Accept (or ask for) help and support from family and friends; that’s what they’re there for. Don't be ashamed to ask for hugs and cry on their shoulder. Lastly, give yourself self-compassion by talking to yourself with words of compassion, comfort and encouragement.

These three sources of support – God, other people and yourself – will help you get through your grief, and lessen the searing pain you feel. Eventually, you will be able to focus on accepting the loss. For more details on the topics of social support, self-compassion, and acceptance, see, “6 Tools to Enhance Your Mood.” This article also discusses the importance of having goals and projects. While you don’t want to suppress your grief, don’t wallow in it either. Find meaningful ways to keep busy, especially ones that involve being around other people.

2. Know for whom you are grieving. According to Jewish tradition, when we grieve over a loss, we are not mourning for the one who passed; they are in Heaven, basking in the warm glow of closeness to our loving Creator. We are mourning for ourselves, that we now have to continue our lives without them.

Even as we mourn, even as we know that no one can take their place, we find strength from the following realization: Just as God sent this loved one into our lives to be a source of love and support, so too will He send other people to love and support us. 

We have to be open to receiving this love, and not shut ourselves off from those who reach out to us. (Do not stand on ceremony, waiting for people to contact you. When you are ready, contact them and take advantage of the social support available to you, e.g., family members, friends, mentors, support groups, and local synagogues).

3. Remember that the loss is only temporary. What is so painful about death is that it seems so permanent, as if we will never see our loved one again. But we will. When we go to Heaven or after the Messiah comes, we will be reunited with them. Death of a loved one only means a short-term separation. Since the Messiah can come any day, any day we can be reunited with our loved one.

4. Find meaning in your loss. Erroneously thinking a loss could have been prevented, magnifies our pain. Part of finding meaning and accepting a loss is realizing that ultimately everything comes from God for our eternal benefit, in ways we do not understand.

This awareness is borne out in the blessing mourners recite, where they refer to God as, “The true Judge.” By referring to God in this way, we acknowledge that regardless of the superficial cause of death, ultimately, it was God who called this person back to Heaven.

God’s essence is love and mercy. There are times though when this essence is clouded over and we perceive Him as a strict Judge. But even then, even in the depths of our pain, we still acknowledge that God is a Judge of truth; that there is a truthful and good reason for His actions, even though we do not understand His ways.

Many people feel regret over not having done enough for their loved one. While we could have always done more, given our other responsibilities it was likely not practical; we did the best we could under difficult circumstances.

If you feel regret, ask your loved one for forgiveness and say to them what you wish you had. Trust that they hear your heartfelt words and forgive you. In addition, look for ways to bring merit to their soul, by doing mitzvot, good deeds, learning Torah and living your life in ways that will make them proud. This will comfort and elevate their soul. Lastly, use any regret over missed opportunities to motivate you to deepen your relationships with your loved ones. Spend time with them, have meaningful conversations, and let them know how you feel about them. 

5. Realize that nothing in this material world is permanent. Our unspoken expectation is that those close to us will live forever; when they die, we are filled with shock and grief. Nothing though in this material world lasts; everything – the money we accumulated, the houses we built, the health we preserved – will eventually fade away. We can be bitter about this reality, or realize that it is part of God’s wondrous plan in creating the world.

God created the world in a manner where, when we die, everything material is left behind. This teaches us that the purpose of life is not pursuing materialism. The reason we were created is to accomplish things of lasting value that we will take with us. These are our Torah learning, mitzvot and good deeds which will accompany our soul to Heaven, where we will reap eternal reward for performing them.

Death is the ultimate reminder that life in this world is transitory. We pass through with the aim of gathering what will provide us with eternal spiritual nourishment in the World to Come.

When we use the death of a loved one to remind us to focus on pursuits of lasting value and to live the lessons we learned from them, then our loved one has not died; they live on through us.

6. Know that you will be able to rebuild. When you lose a loved one, your world is shattered and you are left with the challenge of picking up the pieces and rebuilding it.

Just as you built your life until now with the pieces God gave you, so too will you be able to build a new life for yourself with the pieces He gives you now. It will take time and it will not be easy, but you can do it. Start small and just focus on putting the essentials in place. Then, piece by piece, with God helping you along the way, you will rebuild your life.

This new life may be very different from the one you lived until now, but you can find happiness again.

Over time, as you allow yourself to grieve, you will realize that your loved one has become part of you and is with you always. They have taken up residence in your heart, soothing the pain that was there and restoring, to some extent, a sense of wholeness.

We may always feel a tinge of grief when thinking about a loved one who has passed on; occasionally, intense feelings of grief may wash over us. This is normal and to be expected. To feel complete wholeness, we have to wait until the Messiah comes, when the world will be made whole again.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve; some people take more time than others. Regardless of how you grieve, know that you do not grieve alone; God says to you (Isaiah 66:13), “As one whom his mother comforts, so will I comfort you…”

Please share this post with your family and friends by clicking on the icons below. 

Please subscribe to this blog by typing your email address in the box on the upper right and clicking on the "Subscribe" tab.

Nissan: Spiritual Spring Cleaning

Dear Friends,

This post is about the Jewish month of Nissan, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.

Rosh Chodesh Nissan begins Friday night, the 20th of March, and lasts for one day. 

During Nissan, we celebrate the holiday of Passover. On Passover, we commemorate the Exodus from Egypt. It is a time of freedom, when we free ourselves from that which brings us down spiritually.

Even today, many of us are still not yet free and are enslaved to our passions, to varying degrees. At the same time, we still maintain some level of moral purity. The goal is to raise it a notch, thereby increasing our freedom.

When you prepare for the holiday by removing leaven from your house, also remove spiritual pollution. To whatever extent you’re ready, go through your books, magazines, music and videos, and get rid of those filled with profanity, lewdness or vulgarity; they downgrade your spiritually.

An aspect of maintaining your purity is speaking in an elevated manner. Are there any words you choose to remove from your vocabulary, at least for this month, that do not reflect the type of person you are?

Using your checklist, check off each day you succeeded in speaking in a refined manner and/or staying away from spiritual pollution (or limiting your exposure as best you can).

Readings for the month:

What Worked for Our Ancestors in Egypt: 4 Lessons from the Exodus

4 Ways to Safeguard Your Moral Purity

Have a Shabbat Shalom, a Chag Kasher Vesameach (Happy Passover), and may God grant us success in the coming month,

Yaakov

What’s the Point of It All? The Power of Transformative Questions

Ever notice how little kids ask lots of questions? That is how they learn and grow. To continue to grow, we need to continue to ask questions, transformative ones. Transformative questions cut to the core of an issue and can elicit insights – lightning bolts of clarity – which help us navigate through the storms of life.

You will benefit most from this article if you focus on one question at a time. Mull on each question for a day or week before moving on to the next one.

Transformative questions:

1. Where am I?

After Adam ate the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden, God asked him (Genesis 3:9), “…Where are you?” This question prodded Adam to think about his current situation and the low spiritual state he now found himself in. Once Adam acknowledged his low state, he could then take responsibility for his actions and repent.

In our lives, we have to ask, “Where am I? Am I climbing up the spiritual ladder, or down? Where am I heading in terms of achieving my goals?” If we do not know where we are, we will not know if we are moving in the right direction.

2. Where do I want to be in 6 months, 1 year and 5 years? What do I have to do now to get there?

Some goals can be achieved in a matter of days or weeks. However, many goals, such as moving to Israel, upgrading our observance, making a career or job change, or retirement planning, can take months to years to achieve.

The Talmud teaches (Tamid 32a), “Who is wise? One who sees (anticipates) the future.” With a little foresight, we can start working now toward our long term goals.

3. In what way is my life not the way I would like it to be and what’s the first step to address that?

Focus on one area which you have the ability to change and are motivated to address. Set a goal for yourself and step by step, move toward that goal. Choose mini rewards you will give yourself as you complete each step. As long as you are moving forward, with God’s help, you will eventually reach your goal.

4. What would a mensch do? What is my higher self telling me to do? What does God want me to do?

Biases and temptations cloud our judgment and we are good at rationalizing our behavior. This can lead to making choices we know deep down are wrong. When faced with a dilemma, asking these questions can help you make decisions you will be proud of, both in this world and in the World to Come, where we will be held accountable for our actions. (When possible, consult with a rabbi or rebbetzin for an unbiased perspective on an issue, based on the Torah’s wisdom.)

5. Am I doing, “…What is straight and what is good in the eyes of God...(Deuteronomy 6:18)?”

Often, we are in conflict. Perhaps, with a neighbor, a member of our synagogue, a family member or business associate. We may erroneously think that we must do whatever we can to advance our interests, certainly if we have the upper hand. Yet, especially during those times, when we are in a position of strength, we must ask ourselves, “Am I doing, ‘…What is straight and what is good in the eyes of God...(ibid)?’” In the end, God's view is all that matters.

If you are in conflict with someone, speak to a rabbi well versed in Torah law to ensure you are acting appropriately and not taking advantage of people or using underhanded tactics. Even when we are in conflict with others, we must always act like a mensch.

6. Which areas do I need to work on?

We often have a tendency to focus more on the flaws of others than on our own. If we tell people what is wrong with them, they are unlikely to change. But if people see how we have changed for the better, we have cleared a path for them to follow. When you have an urge to criticize someone, first make sure you are working on yourself, and have corrected your own similar flaws.

A related question to ask ourselves when we are tempted to blame others for a difficulty is, “In what ways have I contributed to this?” No matter how small, start by taking responsibility and apologizing for your share. This will encourage the other party to do the same. Then you can work together to repair the damage and learn from the mistake.

7. Is it worth it?

Sometimes we act in habitual ways and do things which in hindsight were not worth it. For example, getting upset or into an argument over trivial matters, or spending a lot of time returning an inexpensive item we could have just given away.

Depending on the situation, ask yourself: Is it worth getting upset or arguing over this? Are the possible benefits worth the costs? Is this the best use of my time? Right now, what’s the best use of my time?

Getting into arguments is rarely worthwhile, especially if one party is agitated and upset; better to wait for a quiet moment to discuss the issue calmly. Sometimes, the things we argue over have no practical value or benefit, and we are working ourselves up over nothing. When you find yourself arguing over something, ask yourself, “Is this a PD (pointless discussion)?” If it is, then either change the topic or bring the conversation to a close.

8. What do I want more: To be right or to be at peace?

There are times when we have to be assertive and stand up for our rights. But many times we will realize that insisting we are right or that things must be done our way is just not worth it. Doing so

often comes at the expense of peace with others and our own peace of mind. Most of the time, especially over insignificant issues, let others be right or find common ground; refuse to be drawn into an argument or conflict.

9. Is it really necessary to say this now?

Some people have the unfortunate habit of constantly correcting others. When we make a minor mistake, they immediately correct us and show us how we are wrong. Even though it is hurtful to be on the receiving end of these critiques, we sometimes fall into the same trap and act the same way. To avoid this bad habit, before correcting or criticizing someone, pause for a moment and ask yourself, “Is it really necessary to say this now?”

Often, the answer is no. Either it is not a necessary critique, or even if it is, it is not the right time to make the comment. Critiques are best delivered indirectly or at least at an opportune time and in a thoughtful and sensitive manner. For more details, see, “6 Ways to Kick the Criticism Habit.”

This question can also help us avoid the sin of gossiping. When you have the urge to say something that may reflect negatively on a person, pause for a moment and ask yourself, “Is it really necessary to say this?” Sometimes the answer is yes, most often the answer is no. If someone starts talking negatively about a person to you, you can respond, “Is it necessary for me to hear this? If not, let’s talk about something else.”

10. How can I chap arein?

The Yiddish expression, “Chap Arein” means to seize the day and take advantage of opportunities while we still can. God spreads out for us, throughout our lives, numerous opportunities for growth. They are custom designed to bring out our potential for greatness. The more you gather these puzzle pieces, the more you build your actualized self – the amazing, fulfilled and Godly person you were meant to be.

Opportunities come in many forms, e.g., inspirational teachers, potential friends or study partners and chances to do acts of kindness. Often, after our life circumstances change – we move to another neighborhood, have less free time, people pass on or move away – we think to ourselves, “Why didn’t I take advantage?”

Make a list of growth opportunities currently available and choose one to pursue. Now’s your chance, chap arein!

11. What exactly am I waiting for?

There is often an area of our lives where we have been sitting on the fence, e.g., something we are doing we know is wrong and want to stop, a mitzvah observance we want to strengthen, an act of kindness we are contemplating, Torah study we are considering, or an estranged relationship we want to repair. Other examples include making a career shift, moving to Israel or becoming marriage minded. But perhaps we are ambivalent and the status que continues. Recently, there have been a number of tragic deaths of young people due to terror attacks, illnesses or accidents. Use these tragedies as a wakeup call, a reminder that no one knows which day will be their last. Now is the time to get off the fence and take action. To make the most of each day, giving priority to what is truly important.

Often, people’s deepest regrets are not what they did, but what they never even tried. Take the first step of a worthwhile goal you have been contemplating, and do what you can to make the most of the strength God gives you.

12. Am I a giver or a taker?

To determine which one you are, ask yourself the following questions, “Am I more focused on what I can do for others or on what others can do for me? When the needs of others clash with my wants, to whom do I give priority? Am I willing to inconvenience myself to help someone out?”

Ethics of the Fathers teaches us to look out for ourselves (1:14), “If I am not for myself, who [will be] for me?” But once our needs are met, our focus has to shift toward fulfilling the needs of others, as the above teaching continues, “If I am [only] for myself, what am I?”

Our egos can get in the way of us helping others. We may think, “So I'm inconveniencing others, but I want it my way.” Or, “So I could help someone out, but why should I be inconvenienced and spend my time or money on them?” When we are humble, we realize that we are no greater than anyone else; in God’s eyes, the needs of others are just as important as our own. In addition, with humility, we realize that without our Creator we would have nothing and be nothing. We are more than happy to share the blessings He gives us to fulfill His commandment to help His other children.

We have a natural tendency to focus on ourselves. The way to focus on others is to consider them a part of ourselves. On a deep level, we are all one, creations of God. When we view others as an extension of ourselves, then when they are lacking, we are lacking; when we help them, we help ourselves.

13. Do I just do good, or do I also seek good?

Usually, if we are asked to help with a worthy cause, we do our best. That is certainly praiseworthy. The question though is how often do we offer to help without waiting to be asked? How often do we seek out people who need encouragement or assistance?

God tells us not just to be kind, but to, “…Love kindness…(Micah 6:8)” We show our love for doing acts of kindness when we take the initiative and look for opportunities to help others. Opportunities to be kind are like opportunities to make money. We do not sit back and wait for financial opportunities to come our way, we seek them out. The spiritual benefits of being kind are far more enriching than any financial windfall.

To start with, after the prayer service on Shabbat, take a look around the room. Is there anyone new you can welcome? Is there anyone you have not seen in a while you can ask how they are doing? Is there anyone standing alone you can approach to wish a Shabbat Shalom? Ask yourself, “What can I do for someone else? Who can I compliment? Who can I encourage? Who can I schmooze with to make them feel good and important?” Did you hear in the synagogue about someone who is ill? Perhaps you can visit or give them a call.

14. What can I do?

Sometimes, we bemoan how a situation is out of our control. Instead of focusing on what is beyond your control, focus on what you can do. Some examples: Pray to God, brainstorm options, ask others for advice, look for a bright side to the difficulty, and use it as an opportunity to strengthen your faith that, “Gam zu letovah – This too is for the best (Tractate Taanit 21a).”

15. Do I really want to improve and grow, or would I rather stay on cruise control?

Although most of us pay lip service to wanting to improve and actualize our potential, are we ready to put in the necessary effort?

If we are honest with ourselves, we may realize the answer is shockingly no. We may be satisfied with our behavior, and personal growth is just not a priority.

One way to know if you have fallen into the trap of complacency is to think about how you respond when you hear a talk or read an article on self-improvement. Are you interested and think, “How can I apply this to my life? How can I use this to become a better person?” Or, do you get mildly annoyed and think, “Why is this person telling me what to do?”

Asking yourself the following questions can also help determine if you have a growth mindset or a stagnant one: “Is there an area I am currently focusing on improving?” If we do not at least set the intention to improve in an area, we likely won’t. “Am I reaching past my comfort zones, challenging myself, or am I on cruise control, doing the same things I’ve always done?” If we continue to do the same things, we will continue to be the same people, with little growth.

It is understandable if someone is not motivated to change. Change is challenging and takes effort; it is much easier to coast along. But God did not create us to coast, He created us to thrive. In order to thrive, we cannot stay stagnant; we must keep growing and developing. The first step to growth is to want it and to be ready to put in the effort necessary to achieve it.

16. Am I stubborn and close minded?

Being stubborn stands in the way of personal growth. If we are not open to new ways of looking at things, how will we break free from our habitual patterns? We will keep making the same mistakes, while insisting we are right.

We each have our mindsets and habitual behaviors, and we will stay stuck in them unless we are willing to consider alternatives. In addition, people who are stubborn, only have access to their limited perspective and intelligence. But those who are willing to consider the viewpoints of others, the perspective and intelligence available to them is multiplied many times.

There is though a place for stubbornness. For example, we should be stubborn when sticking to our principles and living our values. When appropriate, Ethics of the Fathers (5:20) teaches us to “Be bold as a leopard.”

Here are three ways to decrease unhealthy stubbornness:

(1) Work on developing humility; realize you have been wrong in the past and you will likely make mistakes in the future. With true humility, a person is able to admit when they were wrong and change course.

(2) When talking to others, instead of trying to get them to agree with you, really listen and consider what they are saying. You will learn a lot more that way. As has been said, “If your lips are moving, you’re not learning anything new.”

(3) Ask people for feedback and advice, and give serious consideration to what they say. Instead of focusing on why they are wrong, see if there is a nugget of wisdom you can benefit from.

When we are open-minded and interested in learning new ideas and ways of enhancing our lives, we have laid a solid foundation for growth.

Ask, “Which area of my life am I stubborn about? Perhaps there is a better way of dealing with this issue. Who can I speak to for guidance?”

17. Do I want to live life my way or God's way?

We have a picture in our minds of how we want our lives to be: Our ideal job, spouse, children, health and financial situation. When life does not go as planned, we have a choice: We can either stubbornly insist our lives should be different, or we can accept our lives as they are. With the latter perspective, we view life as an adventure into the unknown and make the most of the opportunities our Creator gives us. When we choose to live life our Creator’s way, we flow in-sync with life and sudden changes or unexpected obstacles do not throw us off course.

How do we know which choice we have made? If we feel bitter and down over our challenges, a part of us is insisting life must go our way. When we choose to live life God’s way, accepting the circumstances and guidelines He gives us, we live content lives. We are grateful for our blessings and do our best to overcome our challenges. We follow God’s will, outlined in His Torah, even when it entails making sacrifices and not doing things “our way.” We realize that those who insist on living life their way live alone. While those who live life God’s way, live with God – both in this world and in the World to Come.

18. What’s my greatest weakness? How can I strengthen or work around it?

Many of us have a weakness or a bad habit which gets in our way. Perhaps we procrastinate, are afraid of commitment or leaving our comfort zones, get upset easily, or have poor communication skills.

Our main focus has to be on utilizing and developing our strengths, and not on trying to fix every weakness; many of them we will just need to accept. At the same time, we want to address major weaknesses which prevent us from reaching our potential. Instead of saying, “That’s just how I am,” read articles or books on the issue and if necessary, seek professional help from a recommended therapist or life coach.

To discover your greatest weakness, ask yourself, “What issue keeps coming up? What’s holding me back?” Also ask those who know you well, which weakness you would benefit most improving.

Choose an area you are motivated to address, and at the beginning of each day, mentally state your intention to improve in that area and ask God to help you. If there is something practical you can do daily or at least weekly to move you closer to your goal, schedule that into your calendar.

For more on this topic, see “Personal Growth: How to Upgrade Your Skillset.”

19. What’s my greatest strength? How can I spend more time using it?

To discover your greatest strength, ask yourself, “What do I do well? Which abilities have people frequently complimented me on? What do I enjoy doing and which gives me a sense of fulfillment?” Perhaps when engaged in this activity, you feel a sense of “flow” and time passes quickly. Also, ask those who know you well, at which areas you excel.

Whenever possible, focus your energies on activities that play to your strengths and delegate or pass on those which trigger your weaknesses. For example, most jobs involve a number of tasks. Some, we do efficiently, while others, we struggle with and our productivity plummets. Perhaps you do not mind doing paperwork, or it stops you in your tracks. Maybe you work best on the big picture, or you thrive on the details. Maybe you are great at the interpersonal aspects of your job, or you prefer the technical ones which involve others as little as possible. The more you focus on what you do well, the higher will be your productivity and job satisfaction.

Make sure that at least once a week you do something which plays to your strengths and you find fulfilling. In addition, think of ways you can add more of those types of activities into your life.

20. What’s the point of it all?

Most of us spend the majority of our time taking care of our bodies: Eating, sleeping and working, so we can eat and sleep some more. But the purpose of life cannot be just to take care of our bodies, because no matter what we do, the body will eventually die. We therefore have to ask ourselves, “What’s the point of it all? Why did God create me?”

Life is our Creator’s invitation to have a personal relationship with Him.

At the start of each day, remind yourself that God created you to come closer to Him through the choices you make, and thereby earn the bliss of the next world.

Every day, choose wisely: Choose to have faith in your Creator, to be grateful to Him, to follow His guidelines as best you can, and to make time for Torah study, prayer and acts of kindness. Each day, through your choices, you set the intensity of your relationship with God.

God created you with unique strengths so that you can use those gifts to help others and deepen your relationship with Him. Think about your strengths and resources, and brainstorm ways of using them for the greater good.

21. Will this matter to me when I’m in the next world?

Life is fleeting; nothing is permanent. People often spend their lives focused on advancing their career or accumulating money, but in an instant it can all disappear and be for naught. When something does not go our way, we frequently get upset. But we have to remember that nothing in this material world lasts; everything will eventually fade away. The next time you are distressed about something or are spending too much time on it, ask, “Will this matter to me in the next world?”

Because the purpose of this world is to give us the opportunity to choose wisely, the only things we will care about in the next world, are the choices we made in this one. We will regret poor choices and delight in good ones. Everything else will be irrelevant. With this in mind, we have to rethink our priorities. We have to shift our focus to the choices and pursuits which will, in the next world, yield eternal benefits.

Now that you have read through these questions, pick one to focus on and ask yourself that question.

What’s the answer?

Please share this post with family and friends by using the icons below. 

To subscribe to this blog, type your email address in the box on the upper right and click on the "Subscribe" tab.

Adar: Enhancing Our Joy

Dear Friends, 

This post is about the Jewish month of Adar, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.

Rosh Chodesh Adar begins this Wednesday night, February 18th, and lasts for two days.

Our Sages teach us that with the arrival of Adar we increase our joy, culminating in the festival of Purim. Purim commemorates the salvation of the Jewish people during the Persian exile.

Although Purim is a time for laughter and joy, it is important not to cross the line into inappropriate humor. Five types of inappropriate humor are discussed in “How to Live a Fulfilling Life: An Action Plan,” in section 4c. 

While we do not have direct control over our moods, the following are six tools which can be helpful in enhancing them: Gratitude, acceptance, self-compassion, expressing ourselves, addressing festering issues and making lifestyle enhancements (these tools are discussed in the readings below). Many times, even using just one tool will help us feel better and increase our enjoyment of life. 

After reading the articles, choose one tool which you will utilize this month. Then, decide on the one change, technique or behavior, related to that tool, which you will do on a daily or regular basis, for at least this month. Add it to your own checklist or use the Daily Checklist to track how often you do it.

Readings for the month:

The 2 Forms of Divine Providence: Purim and Passover

3-Dimensional Acceptance: A Pathway to Peace and Power

6 Tools to Enhance Your Mood

Take care and may we see success in the coming month, 

Yaakov 

Clarity: 8 Ways to Get More of It

Were you ever in a challenging situation or had a goal you wanted to accomplish, and you knew exactly what to do?

That’s clarity.

Clarity is knowing where you need to go and how to get there.

For most of us, moments of clarity are rare occurrences; usually we are conflicted and not sure what to do. For those who think they always have clarity, that is a sign they lack it. This is because no matter how much we know, we always lack full knowledge of a situation. In addition, our judgment is always clouded, because we all have biases.

With humility, we realize that we are prone to mistakes and that increasing our clarity is crucial to achieving meaningful goals and making decisions we will not regret.

8 Ways to Greater Clarity:

1. Pray. Only God has complete clarity and He wants to give you some, if you ask. Speak out the issue with God, preferably out loud and in your native language. Tell Him your concerns, possible options, the pros and cons of each one, and ask Him to guide you. (God often guides us through our intuition – that gut feeling of what we need to do.) This practice, known as Hitbodedut, was popularized by Rebbe Nachman of Breslov.

2. Learn Torah. To make the most of His gift of life, God gave us His Torah which is filled with clarifying wisdom. The more we study His Torah, with the goal of applying its teachings, the more clarity we will have.

The clarifying power of Torah study is apparent when we consult with those steeped in Torah knowledge; they are often able to cut to the core of an issue and see a situation with startling clarity.

3. Widen and lengthen your vision. When faced with an issue which needs to be addressed, our tendency is to focus only on the immediate future and choose the option which provides the greatest short term gain. While human nature, this often leads to poor decisions and long term loss.

Instead, to achieve greater clarity, we must widen our vision by considering the possible ripple effects of our actions – how others might be affected and unintended consequences. We also have to lengthen our vision, to plan ahead and take into account the likely long term effects of our actions or inactions. Long term consequences include not only months and years from now, but also in the next world – where we will reap what we sowed in this world. By widening and lengthening our vision, we take into account costs and benefits of our actions which would otherwise have eluded us.

Think about something you are considering doing, e.g., moving or changing careers, and ask, “What will this involve? What are the costs and benefits? How do they compare to the costs and benefits of alternative options? What do people I respect suggest I do? What feels like the right thing to do? Do I have enough information to decide if it’s worth doing, or do I need to look into it more?”

When making a decision, it is a matter of balance: not being impulsive, but not overthinking; not making big decisions without consulting others, but not being overly dependent on them; not ignoring our intuition, but not doing something that does not make logical sense.

4. Write a mission statement. A mission statement will help you clarify what is most important to you. Write a mission statement based on your values – what you want your life to be about. Write how you want to live now, so that when you look back at your life, you will view it as a success – that you lived your values.

Here is one possible mission statement:

I want my life to be about:

1. Enhancing my relationship with others, starting with my family and branching out to include as many other people as possible; helping them physically, emotionally and spiritually, and certainly not causing anyone harm. When I do cause distress, to immediately apologize and make amends.

2. Enhancing my relationship with God, fostering a personal relationship with Him and following His guidelines as best I can. When I lapse, to repent and begin again with a fresh start.

3. Using my challenges and gifts to come closer to God and help others. (In your personal mission statement, list specific activities you find fulfilling and schedule into your calendar at least one of them weekly.)

Having a mission statement can motivate us to break out of our comfort zones. Our default setting is to remain stuck in our comfort zones and avoid the unknown. With clarity, we realize that pursuing meaningful life goals often involve taking judicious risks. This is part of what makes life exciting, an adventure into the unknown.

5. Live your values. People often make the mistake of unwittingly compromising their values in an attempt to get ahead or achieve a goal. To avoid this, when faced with a dilemma, ask yourself, “Which option is more in keeping with my values and mission statement?”

To illustrate: Let’s say your mission statement includes enhancing your relationship with others and not mistreating them. Then, one day, your spouse makes a mistake which infuriates you and you want to scream at your spouse. Or you come across an opportunity to make a windfall, but it involves taking advantage of others.

Both of these examples involve a possible short term gain – letting off steam or making more money – but are not in keeping with your values. Engaging in them might feel good in the moment, but later on you will be filled with regret and the loathsome feeling of having not acted like the person you want to be.

In contrast, when you make sacrifices to live in sync with your values, while challenging in the moment, you will be left feeling proud that even under difficult circumstances you stayed true to your values.

Every day, be mindful of your values and act in keeping with them. Do this even when it involves making sacrifices. The more you live in keeping with your values, the higher will be your self-esteem. (To enhance your self-esteem, make sure to praise yourself for the difficult choices and sacrifices you make to stay true to your values.)

6. Ask others for input. The more important the issue, the more important it is to ask others for advice. They can give us an unbiased perspective and offer suggestions we may not have considered.

For issues which involve Jewish law, speak to a rabbi well versed in that area. For other issues, you can speak to a rabbi, a rebbetzin, or someone else you respect who shares your values and has life experience.

If possible, speak to people who have already achieved the goal you are working toward. Sometimes we work toward a goal only to discover that it was not a good fit. For example, we go to school for a particular career, only to be disappointed upon graduating. Perhaps we did not realize the amount of training necessary, average salary or opportunities for growth. Remember the second habit of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Cover, “Begin with the end in mind.” Figure out where you want to go and then work backwards on how you will get there.

When consulting with others, often, one conversation will not be enough; they will make suggestions for you to consider and you may want to check in with them again.

Before asking for advice, make sure you are willing to give serious consideration to what is suggested, even if it may not be what you wanted to hear. After receiving their input, even if you do not agree with everything they said, look for nuggets of wisdom you can utilize. At the end of the day, you will have to deal with the consequences of your decision and need to make the choice you think is right for you.

When the stakes are high or if you are not sure of the appropriateness of the advice given, ask at least two people for input, and then make the decision. This way, if there is a big discrepancy between what people recommend, it will alert you to think through the issue carefully.

Ask yourself, “In which area of my life could I use more clarity? Who can I speak with, to discuss the situation?”

If you cannot find someone to ask advice or you need intensive guidance, consider seeing a recommended therapist or life coach, to guide you through a rough patch.

7. Make a written game plan. It is shocking how many people, while admitting they have a difficulty to overcome or a goal to achieve, do not have a clear plan on how they will do so. Writing helps us crystallize our thoughts, so sit down and write out a plan of attack. Start by writing what your goal is and when you plan to achieve it. Then write out the steps you will need to take to achieve it. Then decide on the first step you will take and when you will take it.

Schedule into your calendar when you will reassess your plan, preferably with the input of others, to see if you need to make adjustments. As the saying goes, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

Be honest with yourself and ask, “Is this working? Is the situation improving? Am I moving closer to my goal?”

If not or not enough, restrategize and brainstorm alternatives. In addition, if possible, seek further guidance. Depending on the situation, you may be advised to persevere with your efforts, try a different approach, or modify your goal.

8. Keep your eye on the goal. To achieve your goal, stay focused on it and work toward it on a daily or weekly basis. Schedule into your calendar what you will do and when, to move you closer to your goal. As long as you are moving forward, eventually, with God’s help you will achieve your goal.

Keeping our eye on the goal will also help us set priorities. We often gravitate toward that which most draws our attention, even though they are usually least important. For example, we may spend hours on the internet with little to show for it or buy things we rarely use. Instead, throughout the day, stay focused on what is truly important, spending your time and resources in productive ways and using a portion of them for Torah study, prayer and acts of kindness.

We can learn a lot about clarity from expert chess players: 1. They have a proactive strategy and do not just react to their opponent’s moves. 2. They think ahead more than just one move at a time. 3. They consider the ramifications of each move, the costs and benefits. 4. While not impulsive, they do not overthink each move. 5. Even when no great options exist, they still make a move and try to advance their position. 6. Their plans are fluid and they are able to shift gears, as circumstances change. 7. They stay focused on winning the game and do not get distracted. 8. They learn from expert players, either by watching them or reading chess books. 9. They do not give up hope no matter how dire the situation, as opportunities for winning can appear out of nowhere, if they are on the lookout. 10. Even when they lose a game, right away, they will challenge their opponent to a rematch, trying a new strategy and avoiding previous mistakes.

Clarity is often elusive. But remember that no matter how confused you feel or how hopeless the situation looks, God can instantly give you clarity. You can go from having no idea what to do to knowing exactly what to do. In the meantime, do your best to achieve clarity, work toward your goals, and ask God for help. May He soon open your eyes to the right path for you and lead you to where you need to go.

Please share this post with family and friends by using the icons below. 

Please subscribe to this blog by typing your email address in the box on the upper right and clicking on the "Subscribe" tab.

Shvat: Elevating the physical

Dear Friends, 

This post is about the Jewish month of Shvat as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.

Rosh Chodesh Shvat begins this Tuesday night, January 20th, and lasts for one day.

The 15th of this month is Tu B’Shvat, the New Year for trees. An aspect of this holiday is celebrating and elevating the physical. Part of sanctifying the physical is taking care of the body with which God entrusted you. During this month, choose to upgrade either your sleep, exercise or diet habits.

Pick one change you will make on a daily or regular basis, for at least this month, and using your own checklist or the Daily Checklist, track how often you do it; if you find the change very easy, add another one. Some examples: Go to sleep 15-20 minutes earlier each week until you feel refreshed in the morning; exercise 2-3 times a week or go for a daily brisk walk; cut out sugary drinks and/or foods from your diet, limiting them to special occasions. Make water your preferred beverage. If you do not like the taste of your water, consider a filter. (For an informative article comparing two popular diets, see Dr. Edelberg’s article here.)

Another point of focus for this month is to consider if there is an area of your life which has become unbalanced and excessive, e.g., overeating, overspending, overworking, overuse of the internet etc. Most of us have at least one area which, at a minimum, wastes our time and takes us away from more fulfilling activities. This month, pick one behavior to reign in and one behavior you’d like to do more of instead.

Reading for the month:

Overcoming our Soft Addictions

Take care and may we see success in the coming month,

Yaakov

Conflict Resolution: How to Win the Battle for Peace

Ever notice how many people are estranged from or fighting with someone?

It was not always this way. What happened?

In previous generations, when people had disagreements with family members, neighbors or business associates, they went to the town rabbi or Bet Din (Jewish court) and resolved the problem. In addition, because people then lived in small, close knit communities and needed each other, there were real incentives to keep the peace.

Times have changed. Now, when people get into an argument, they often see no reason to work things out. In their minds, there are two options: Either the other person capitulates or they will cut off all ties with that person. Protracted battles, emotionally and financially draining, often ensue and both sides end up losing.

It does not have to be this way. By overcoming four common barriers to peace, we can prevent and resolve many conflicts.

Four barriers to peace:

(1) Thinking it is perfectly acceptable to have conflicts. Because arguments are so prevalent, people often think there is nothing wrong with stridently sticking to their opinions and refusing to yield and be flexible. But it is wrong. The Talmud states (Sanhedrin 110a), “Rav said: He who is unyielding in a dispute, violates a negative command, as it is written (Numbers 17:5), ‘…And let him not be as Korach and his assembly …’ Rav Ashi said: He deserves to be smitten with leprosy.”

We are obligated to do what we can to avoid and settle arguments. In addition, King David urges us (Psalms 34:15), “…Seek peace and pursue it…” We must be willing to spend time and money to maintain or restore peace. When we do, it will be among the best time and money we spent.

Even if we have been given the green light by our rabbi to be involved in a dispute, we are still forbidden to use methods against Jewish law to force the other side to capitulate. We are also forbidden to cause the other side needless pain; that would be a violation of the Torah’s command, “Do not cause pain…” (Leviticus 25:17).

This is the opposite of the no-holds-barred approach used by many, who want to win at any cost. But instead of asking a lawyer, “How can I get or keep the most money? How can I force them to do things my way?” We have to ask a rabbi, “What is the halacha, Jewish law, on this matter? How does God want me to act?”

(2) Not being compassionate. We often focus only on our needs and on getting everything to which we feel entitled. We forget that the other party is made up of people too, who also have needs and feelings.

The importance of being sensitive to those with whom we are in conflict is highlighted in a fascinating dialogue in the Torah between Jacob’s sons. They were talking among themselves about their regret over having sold Joseph. What is fascinating is that the brothers did not fault themselves for selling Joseph because it was the wrong thing to do; they still thought they had a legitimate reason for selling him. They faulted themselves for selling Joseph because they should have had compassion for him.

The Torah states: (Genesis 42:21) “They said to each other, ‘It is true, we are guilty for our brother, because we saw his distress when he pleaded with us, and we did not listen. That is why this trouble has come upon us.’” They blamed themselves for not being compassionate to Joseph, for not being sensitive to his pain.

We all have compassion within us. The Talmud teaches (Yevamot 79a) that one of the defining characteristics of a Jew is that he or she is compassionate.

After we die, we will meet God, our Father in Heaven, and we will have to answer for our actions. For the times we mistreated people, perhaps we will come up with reasons or excuses for why we thought we were entitled to act the way we did.

But what will we answer if God asks us, “Even if you thought you were justified, why were you not compassionate? Why were you not sensitive to their pain?”

To that question, we will have no answer.

We need to correct our behavior now, while there is still time, so we will not be left speechless and ashamed in the World to Come.

Ask, “What’s the compassionate and generous way to act? How does a mensch act? How can I find common ground with the other side and reach a settlement I will be proud of, both in this world and in the World to Come?”

(3) Only seeing the bad in others. Often, we think of people in black or white terms; either they are good or bad. When people do something we do not like, we write them off – terminating the relationship. We disregard the good they have done for us and the good times we shared. Yes, we should be assertive in advocating for our rights, but discarding a relationship over one misguided act or comment is equally misguided.

Think about people with whom you are in conflict and ask, “What are their positive attributes and good deeds? What are some of their struggles, past or present, which may have contributed to their current behavior? Is it possible they think they are doing the right thing? Do I sometimes make mistakes in judgment? Can I guarantee I would act differently if I was in their situation? How can I judge them favorably?”

Just because people did something bad, does not make them bad people. When we realize this, we will be motivated to try to work things out and salvage the relationship, or at least stay on civil terms.

Instead of asking, “Who’s right and who’s wrong?” We have to ask, “How can we work this out?”

(4) Being stubborn and unyielding. The Talmud states (Taanit 20b) that a person should always be soft as a reed and not hard as a cedar. We should always try to be as flexible and accommodating as possible. Sometimes though, we become obstinate and fixated on a course of action. We insist that things must be done our way. But the possible benefits of insisting it is done our way are rarely worth the costs of the resulting strife.

Make a list of the costs and possible benefits of each approach to resolving a conflict. Keep in mind current and projected costs related to time and money and the toll on relationships and physical and emotional health.

Looking over the costs of the disagreement, ask, “Is it worth it? Are the costs of continuing this way worth the possible benefits or should I cut my losses and consider other, less costly alternatives?”

Many times we will realize that continuing the conflict, or in the way we have been doing, is not worth it. It just does not make sense and is self-destructive. But two factors, related to stubbornness, can hold us back from shifting gears to find a peaceful resolution.

A. Not willing to lose. We often think of compromising or yielding on an issue as losing; this is a mistake. Winning is coming out whole, with our integrity intact. The Talmud states (Beitzah 16a) that a person’s income is set each year by God and that, “…You will be given what belongs to you. No man can touch what is prepared for his fellow…(Yoma 38b)”

Seeking peace and making reasonable compromises – what God wants you to do –will not compromise the money He has designated for you. Not only that, but resolving a dispute will bring Divine blessing into your life. Without blessing, money is worthless.

B. Not willing to swallow our pride. Sometimes, both sides would be willing to come to an agreement, but each is waiting for the other to make the first move. We must be the courageous ones: The first to apologize for our share of the disagreement and the first to offer to give in a little, for the sake of peace. We must follow the example of Moses, who went out of his way to try to make peace with those who were clearly in the wrong (Numbers 16:12).

Ask, “Even if I’m right and even if they don’t deserve it, how can I take the lead in working out a peaceful resolution?”

Resolving conflicts

It is much easier to avoid conflicts than to resolve them. To help prevent fights over money, have every agreement clearly spelled out in writing, including inheritance related issues, so that everyone is on the same page. The cost and hassle this may involve is well worth it.

When a disagreement is over an insignificant issue, let the other side have it their way; it is not worth arguing over. The voice in your head telling you to fight over something “out of principle” is often the voice of the evil inclination goading you on.

When an issue is important, schedule a time with the other party to talk about it in a calm and polite manner. A few discussions may be necessary before an agreement is reached. Even if the other side becomes accusatory or aggressive, refuse to follow suit; that will only heat up the disagreement and reduce the chances of settling the issue peacefully.

First, focus on the areas where there is agreement. For the areas in which you disagree, try to understand their perspective. Then be as flexible as you can and willing to make reasonable concessions. Often, when the other side sees that you are willing to soften your position to find a mutually beneficial solution, they will do the same.

As mentioned above, doing what we can to avoid and settle arguments is a religious obligation. (Speak to a rabbi to confirm you have fulfilled your obligation.) If we stubbornly stick to our position and refuse to yield, God may hold us accountable for the negative repercussions of the dispute, compounded by the number of people involved. That is a heavy cost no one can afford.

(For further discussion on the severe consequences of perpetuating a conflict, see Shemirat Halashon Shaar HaZechirah chapters 15-17 by the Chafetz Chayim. This work can be read online in English here, in Vol. 1 starting with p. 173.)

If you are not able to resolve the issue on your own, enlist the help of a third party – a rabbi or someone else you both respect to mediate. Often, when a third party is involved, especially a respected rabbi, people are on their best behavior and want to show how reasonable and accommodating they are.

If that does not work, the next step is to go to a Bet Din (Jewish court), as the Torah states (Deuteronomy 25:1), “When there is an argument between people, let them come to judgment…” (An alternative to Bet Din is to go to arbitration. If neither of these are options, one must speak to a rabbi to determine under what circumstances they would be permitted to proceed to secular court.)

To make peace, we need a willing party. There is not always one and sometimes we have to protect ourselves from the aggression of others. Other times, we have to accept that some people will always be upset with us and have no interest in making peace. Nevertheless, we have to focus on what is within our control, making sure that our behavior is above board and that we have gone the extra mile for peace. We also have to ask God for help and pray that He speedily bring a peaceful and fair resolution.

The Sages teach that before the Messiah comes, there will be unity and peace among the Jewish people. We are steadily approaching the time when the Messiah will arrive. Even if in the past you were unable to make peace with someone, consider reaching out to them again. Perhaps now is the time for peace.

Please share this post with family and friends by using the icons below. 

Please subscribe to this blog by typing your email address in the box on the upper right and clicking on the "Subscribe" tab.