Is Faith Logical? One Answer in Ten Questions

Dear Friends,

Happy Chanukah!

Part of the message of Chanukah is to believe that miracles are always possible; no matter how dire the situation. The Maccabees were up against the formidable Syrian-Greeks, yet with God's help, they prevailed.

Believing in God and that He can perform miracles is actually very logical. Here's why:

Is Faith Logical? One Answer in Ten Questions

Have a great week,

Yaakov

Tevet: Faith

Dear Friends,

Happy Chanukah!

This post is about the Jewish month of Tevet, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.

Rosh Chodesh Tevet begins Thursday night, the 29th of December, and lasts for one day.

The month of Tevet encompasses two moods: Celebration and mourning. During the beginning of the month, we celebrate Chanukah, commemorating, among other events, the rededication of the Second Temple. Later in the month, on the 10th of Tevet, we fast and commemorate the siege of Jerusalem by the Babylonians, which led to the destruction of the First Temple.

In one month we commemorate two diametrically opposed events. Faith is the bridge between them. Even while we mourn an event which led to the destruction of the Temple, we have faith that like the miracle of Chanukah, another dedication of the Temple will occur, when the Messiah comes and dedicates the Third Temple.

Consider doing the following practice daily to enhance your faith: Think of a challenge and say to yourself:
“This is from God for my eternal benefit. Part of fulfilling my life’s purpose is doing what I can to overcome and grow from this challenge. This will work out in the end; either in this world or in the next. God is with me, giving me the strength and courage I need to triumph.”

Questions for the month:

“What life challenge will I use to help me strengthen my faith?”

“Is there an area of my faith where I have doubts and questions? If yes, who can I speak to for clarity?”

Take care and may God grant us success in the coming month,

Yaakov

Clarity: 8 Ways to Get More of It

Dear Friends,

We all want more clarity in our lives.

Clarity: 8 Ways to Get More of It

Have a great week,

Yaakov

Abraham + Isaac + Jacob = You

Dear Friends,

There is much to learn from our Forefathers and ways we can emulate them.

Abraham + Isaac + Jacob = You

Have a great week,

Yaakov

Lessons From Chanukah: Clarity, Purity and Joy

Dear Friends,

With Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and Sukkot behind us, what is a message we can learn from each holiday and carry with us to Chanukah and beyond?

Lessons From Chanukah: Clarity, Purity and Joy

Have a great week,

Yaakov

Kislev: Gratitude

Dear Friends,

This post is about the Jewish month of Kislev, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.

Rosh Chodesh Kislev begins Wednesday night, the 30th of November, and lasts for one day.

During this month we celebrate the festival of Chanukah, which commemorates the miracle of the oil, the victory of the Maccabees over the Greeks and the rededication of the Second Temple. A key message of the festival is expressing gratitude to God for the miracles He performs for us.

Each day, preferably at the beginning of the day, spend time feeling grateful for the blessings your Creator gave you. Thank Him for His many gifts, for the bright side/silver lining of your difficulties, and for signs of His help amidst your challenges. Input this daily practice of expressing gratitude into your checklist.

In addition, express your appreciation to others. You can do this in person, on the phone, via a quick email or text, or with a written note.

The readings for this month focus on Chanukah and related themes. For additional discussion on gratitude, see the first tool in, “6 Tools to Enhance Your Mood.”

Questions for the month:

“What is something I am very grateful to God for? What can I say to Him to express my appreciation?”

“Who is someone who has helped me? How can I express my appreciation?”

Take care and may God grant us success in the coming month,

Yaakov

Surrendering to God: 3 Steps to Transcend Your Ego

Dear Friends,

Even while we pray for help in specific areas of our lives, we surrender to God, acknowledging that only He knows what is truly best for us.

Surrendering to God: 3 steps to transcend your ego

Have a great week,

Yaakov

What Happens to Our Seemingly Unanswered Prayers?

Dear Friends,

Have you ever wondered, What Happens to Our Seemingly Unanswered Prayers?

Have a great week,

Yaakov

How to Unlock the Hidden Power of Prayer

Dear Friends,

Praying with intention can be very challenging. But if we put in the effort, with God's help, we will see results.

How to Unlock the Hidden Power of Prayer

Have a great week,

Yaakov

Cheshvan: Prayer

Dear Friends,

This post is about the Jewish month of Cheshvan, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.

Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan begins Monday night, the 31st of October, and lasts for two days.

On the 7th of Cheshvan, in Israel, prayers for rain begin. For this month, focus on enhancing your prayers. You can pick a section of the prayers to say daily with understanding and input this into your checklist. In addition or instead, you can recite daily one Psalm with understanding (longer Psalms can be read over two to three days).

(If you do not yet pray daily, open up a prayer book and see if any of the prayers resonate with you, or better yet, ask your rabbi or spiritual mentor for a suggestion; recite that prayer every day. Alternatively, read daily from the book of Psalms. There are many excellent English translations available with varied formats; choose one that works best for you.)

One type of prayer, popularized by Rebbe Nachman of Breslov, is called Hitbodedut; this is where we talk out loud to God in our native language, unburdening ourselves to Him. Try this daily practice for at least a week, preferably a month. See if it helps you feel closer to God and to feeling His comfort and support.

Part of upgrading our prayers is showing reverence for the sanctuary, and not talking during the prayer service.

Even while we pray for help in specific areas of our lives, we surrender to God, acknowledging that only He knows what is truly best for us.

Questions for the month:

“Which section of the prayers will I focus on saying this month with understanding? Or, what else can I do to enhance my prayers?”

“What issues are weighing on my mind that I can informally speak to God about?”

“How can I enhance the reverence I show for the sanctuary?”

Take care and may God grant us success in the coming month,

Yaakov

Taking Refuge in a Sukkah of Faith

Dear Friends,

One might assume that the optimal way to serve God and build His Sukkah is by constructing a sturdy and weatherproof structure. But this is not the case...

Taking Refuge in a Sukkah of Faith

The next post will God willing be after the holidays.

Have a Chag Sameach,

Yaakov

What’s the Point of It All? 21 Transformative Questions

Dear Friends,

This is the time of year for introspection. This article's 21 questions can assist in doing that.

What’s the Point of It All? The Power of Transformative Questions 

Have an easy and meaningful Yom Kippur.
Gmar Chatima Tova,

Yaakov

"You: As God Intended"

Dear Friends,

This Sunday night, October 2nd, Rosh Hashanah begins.

The following article discusses the holiday:
You: As God Intended

The rest of this post is about the Jewish month of Tishrei, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.

Rosh Chodesh Tishrei begins Sunday night, October 2nd, and lasts for two days.

Until after Yom Kippur, the focus on repentance continues. If you have not done so already during the month of Elul, there is still time before Yom Kippur to choose an area of your life to repair or upgrade; consider adding it to your daily checklist.

The readings What is Your Number One Spiritual Stumbling Block? and “The 10 Item Daily Checklist” can be helpful in making a selection.

After Yom Kippur, the focus switches to the festivals of Sukkot, Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah. On Simchat Torah, we celebrate the completion of the yearly cycle of the Five Books of Moses and begin a new cycle with the book of Genesis. Now is a great time to join this annual study of the Bible. There is tremendous spiritual power in learning the same portion studied by millions of Jews around the world. Next Simchat Torah, when you finish the Bible, your celebration of the holiday will be even more meaningful.

Spend time each week learning the weekly Torah portion – there are many excellent articles, translations and commentaries available, e.g., The Stone Edition Chumash and The Gutnick Edition Chumash (sections of The Gutnick Chumash can be read for free here). Preferably, each day, study 1/7th of the weekly portion (also known as an aliya) or study the whole portion on Shabbat.

If possible, study at least weekly with a partner, either the Bible or a different area of the Torah. To find a partner, you can contact your local synagogue or kollel, or go to http://www.partnersintorah.org/, who will pair you with a partner free of charge.

Torah study nourishes the soul as food nourishes the body. Study Torah every day of your life – even if only for a few minutes, e.g., reading an article, a few pages from a book, or listening to a class during your commute or while exercising. Preferably, have a set inviolate time for Torah study. Consider inputting into your checklist what and when you will study.

Two important areas of Torah to study are (A) teachings which inspire you and (B) Jewish law – so you know how to act.

Questions for the month:

“Which behavioral change will be my New Year’s resolution?”

“Which translation or commentary on the Bible will I use for the upcoming annual cycle?”

“What area of Torah am I currently most drawn to? Who can I study it with, or from which resources?”

Have a Shana Tova,

Yaakov

Repairing Our Mistakes: How to Ask for Forgiveness

Dear Friends,

As we get ready to approach God and ask Him to forgive us, we first have to request forgiveness from those whom we have hurt.

Repairing Our Mistakes: How to Ask for Forgiveness

Have a great week,

Yaakov

Updated “Is Your Commitment to Judaism Strong Enough?"

Dear Friends,

As Rosh Hashanah draws near, we take stock of our lives and our commitment to Judaism. Now is the time to strength that commitment.

“Is Your Commitment to Judaism Strong Enough?”

Have a great week,

Yaakov

Debunking 5 Myths about Repentance

Dear Friends,

With the High Holidays approaching, now is a good time to think about repentance and debunk some myths surrounding it.

Debunking 5 Myths about Repentance

Here's a link to an article I posted recently, if you missed the link:

What is Your Number One Spiritual Stumbling Block?

When it comes to choosing what to focus on this High Holiday season, it often best to select just one area you are motivated to improve and keep it manageable and specific.

Have a great week,

Yaakov

Updated “Am I a Faker or a Genuine Person?”

Dear Friends, 

Here is an updated version of an article I wrote on how to be more real and genuine, and not fall into the trap of feeling like a faker. 

“Am I a Faker or a Genuine Person?” 
Have a Chodesh Tov and a good week,
Yaakov 

Elul: Repentance

Dear Friends,

This post is about the Jewish month of Elul, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.

Rosh Chodesh Elul begins Friday night, the 2nd of September, and lasts for two days.

Elul is the time of year to take stock of our lives and prepare for the High Holidays. Most of us have at least one area in which we struggle; perhaps it is being ethical in business, being moral, being charitable and kind, refraining from hurting others, or some other area. Correcting our key flaw(s) is a major part of our life’s mission and why God put us in this world.

Pick one area on which to focus and choose a manageable change you will make on a daily or weekly basis; input this change into your calendar or checklist. If possible, speak to your rabbi or spiritual mentor for guidance. The focus on repentance continues into next month until after Yom Kippur.

As the High Holidays involve reciting many prayers, for suggestions on how to enhance your prayers, see, “How to Unlock the Hidden Power of Prayer.”

Questions for the month:

“Which area do I struggle with that I’m motivated to address this Elul?”

“What is a manageable commitment I will make?

“Is it clear to me what area to focus on and how to repent (if necessary)? If it is not clear, who can I speak to for guidance?”

Reading for the month:

What is Your Number One Spiritual Stumbling Block?

Take care and may God grant us success in the coming month,

Yaakov

For Shabbat Nachamu: Self-Compassion

Dear Friends,

This Shabbat is Shabbat Nachamu. We will read from the prophets about the nechama (comfort) God gives us.

In addition to God's comfort, it is also important to know how to comfort ourselves, a form of self-compassion.

Here is an excerpt from an article I wrote on the topic of self-compassion. Try the exercise included in it.

Have a Shabbat Shalom,

Yaakov

There is a growing awareness of the importance of self-compassion, being kind to oneself, with books and websites devoted to the topic. Self-compassion flows naturally from self-acceptance; once we accept ourselves the way we are, we can be kind and loving to ourselves.

Ever notice that people may hate themselves because of a weakness they have, yet when they are dealing with others who have the same weakness, especially children, they feel no hatred, only tenderness and compassion? Why is that?

Because when dealing with others, we are better able to see the overall picture and not just focus on the weakness. When we look at the child, we are able to see the innocence, the inherent goodness the child possesses, and their struggle to overcome difficulties, which are no fault of their own.

Although our bodies age, the child inside of us remains. Never shame or insult that child. The next time you are about to berate yourself over a perceived flaw or failure, instead, bring to mind your many struggles and feel tenderness and compassion for yourself. Talk to yourself, in the second person, soothing words of support and encouragement. Show yourself the same kindness, warmth and care you would show a child who is going through a tough time.

When you need to give yourself constructive criticism, do so lovingly and respectfully, after all, you are speaking to one of God’s children. Do not dwell on the past mistake, instead, focus on encouraging yourself to do better in the future.

In addition to extending compassion to yourself, tap into the compassion God gives you. He is constantly supporting you (Song of Songs 2:6), “His left hand is under my head and His right arm embraces me.” God tells you (Isaiah 66:13), “As one whom his mother comforts, so will I comfort you…” Pray to Him to send you comfort and strength. Then imagine waves of these feelings washing over you.

When you feel emotional distress, think while slowly breathing in, “God is with me,” and while slowly breathing out, “God is soothing and comforting me.”

After feeling Divine compassion, see if you can feel a sense of oneness with God. As Moses taught us (Deuteronomy 4:35), “…There is nothing beside Him.” In this state, there is no separate self receiving compassion from God. Instead, there is only compassion; there is only God.

How to Stop Hating Your Fellow Jew

Dear Friends, 

Tisha B'av starts Motzai Shabbat, Saturday night, August 13th, and is the saddest day in the Jewish Calendar. 

Here is a related article: Longing for the Redemption

Below is an excerpt from an article I wrote which discusses the sin of baseless hatred, which the Sages teach is a key reason the Messiah has not yet arrived.

May we soon witness the coming of the Messiah and the rebuilding of the Third Temple.

Yaakov

How to Stop Hating Your Fellow Jew

Perhaps you do not hate anybody, but how about intensely dislike?

We do not have to go out of our way to spend time with people we do not like; often, it is best to limit contact with those who push our buttons or are just not nice people. But, we are forbidden to harbor personal animosity toward a fellow Jew, as the Torah cautions us (Leviticus 19:17), “Do not hate your brother in your heart…” (In general, it is not a good idea to hate anyone; but hating a fellow Jew is especially sinful.)

Diagnostic questions: Are there people I cannot stand and feel distaste just looking at them? Are there people who I would be happy to hear that they are having difficulties?

Often, we dislike people because they wronged us in some way; in that case, see, “The Freedom of Forgiveness: 3 Strategies to Letting Go.” Other times, some people just rub us the wrong way. When we look at them, we think about their real or imagined faults.

Instead, remind yourself that you do not know everything about them and why they act the way they do; give them the benefit of the doubt, just like you would want others to give you.

Look for shared humanity. Deep within your heart is a place of tenderness and vulnerability; it exists within those you dislike as well. You have more in common with those you dislike than differences. You have flaws and weaknesses, so do they. You try hard to provide for yourself and your family, so do they. You have worries and concerns, hopes and dreams, so do they. Sometimes, you struggle just to get by, so do they. As best you can, feel warmth and compassion for them.

Generally speaking, the people we dislike are those we do not know well. The more we get to know people, their good qualities and struggles, the more we realize that in many ways they are just like us.

The Sages teach that the entire Jewish people are all part of one soul – we are one spiritual entity. When you see another Jew, you are seeing a part of yourself. Just as you are accepting of your own flaws, be accepting of the flaws of others as well, as they are an extension of yourself. Perhaps this idea is hinted to in Leviticus (19:18) where God says to us, “…You shall love your fellow as yourself…” How do you come to love your fellow? By realizing that he is “as yourself” – an extension of who you are.

Action steps: The next time you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about someone, switch focus to their admirable qualities and the good they have done. Also think about possible struggles they may face, which may give you insight into why they act the way they do. Preferably, compliment them for the good you see in them. A sincere compliment is a powerful way to break down barriers between people. In addition, remind yourself that they are a part of you and to accept them as they are. Lastly, look for ways to assist those you dislike or ask for their assistance; both can help cultivate feelings of closeness.

The above encompasses individuals. Jews can also be divided into groups, e.g., Israelis and those living in the diaspora, Sephardim and Ashkenazim, Chassidim and Mitnagdim, as well as a whole spectrum of religiosity. It is very easy to fall into the trap of looking down and showing disdain for those who are different than us. In addition, we are often quick to label a whole group based on the behavior of isolated individuals.

The next time you catch yourself harboring dislike for a particular group of Jews, ask, “Does everyone in this group act in the manner I find offensive? Am I sure that I would not act the same way or worse if I was in their situation?” In addition, think about their praiseworthy qualities and the good deeds they do, and try to feel some love for your fellow Jews.

Who Caused This Crisis?

Dear Friends,

With many crises going on in the world and in some of our lives as well, we often look for people to blame and wonder, "Who Caused This Crisis?"

The answer may surprise you. Or if you know the answer already, a periodic reminder can still be helpful.

Have a good week,

Yaakov

Av: Restoring Love

Dear Friends,

This post is about the Jewish month of Av, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.

Rosh Chodesh Av begins Thursday night, the 4th of August, and lasts for one day.

On the 9th of this month – Tisha B’Av – we fast to commemorate the destruction of the First and Second Temples.

Last month, we focused on removing hatred. This month, we will focus on the next step: Restoring love by apologizing and helping others.

Consider if you may have caused someone distress, by what you said or did. If yes, commit to apologize to them as soon as possible.

In addition, each day of this month, consider checking off on your checklist if you did an act of kindness; it can be something small. If the day is coming to a close and you have not yet done an act of kindness, ask yourself if there is someone you can call or email, who would appreciate that you reached out to them. At the very least, put some money in a charity box. Do not let a day go by without doing something for someone else. As the Sages teach, (Ethics of the Fathers 1:14), “…If I am [only] for myself, what am I?”

The topic of doing acts of kindness is discussed in, Abraham + Isaac + Jacob = You. The topic of not wronging others is discussed in, “What is Your Number One Spiritual Stumbling Block?” The topic of apologizing is discussed in, “Repairing Our Mistakes: How to Ask for Forgiveness.”

Questions for the month:

“Who can I apologize to?” (And make amends if applicable)

“Who can I help?” (Some examples: Giving emotional, financial or physical support, advice, or helping someone find a job, a spouse or a needed resource.)

Take care and may God grant us success in the coming month,

Yaakov

The Freedom of Forgiveness: 3 Strategies to Letting Go

Dear Friends,

Beginning Sunday morning, July 24th, we observe the 17th of Tammuz, commemorating the breaching of the walls of Jerusalem before the destruction of the First Temple.

The article below discusses the topic of forgiveness. Most of us have at least one person who we hold some bitterness toward. Discover how good you can feel, when you let go of some or all of that resentment.

The Freedom of Forgiveness: 3 Strategies to Letting Go

Have a good week and may the Temple be rebuilt speedily in our days,

Yaakov

Conflict Resolution: How to Win the Battle for Peace

Dear Friends,

The focus for this month is on removing the hatred we may feel for another person.

The news is full of murderous hatred and terror, including the recent terror attack in France. We see with our own eyes the destructive power of even just one man's hatred.

Any type of hatred for law abiding people is destructive and we must remove all traces of it from our hearts.

The first step is to resolve conflicts with those who are willing.

Conflict Resolution: How to Win the Battle for Peace

May God speedily bring peace to Israel and the world,

Yaakov 

What Happened to On Ben Pelet? How to be a positive influence on people

Dear Friends,

Below is a written version of a drasha (speech) I gave this past Shabbat.

Have a good week,

Yaakov

In this week’s Parsha, Parshat Korech, we started off with a listing of those who were involved in the rebellion of Korech against Moshe Rabbenu. One man listed is On ben Pelet. But later on On disappears from the scene. What happened to On?

The Gemara (Talmud) in Sanhedrin (109b) explains that On’s wife saved him from sharing the same fate of Korach. He had initially joined the rebellion but his wife convinced him that it was a foolish thing to do and helped him extricate himself from the rebellion. By doing this, she saved his life and that of his family as well.

On ben Pelet’s wife was a good influence on him. The Gemara in Sanhedrin also discusses a wife who was a bad influence, and that was the wife of Korach. She instigated him to rebel and goaded him on.

We often think, “Who am I that I can influence others?” But this is misguided humility. Hashem gives us tremendous power to not only change our own lives, but to change the lives of those around us as well.

Parshat Korach showcases the influence we can have on each other. In the case of On ben Pelet’s wife, through our influence we can save someone’s life, or in the case of Korach’s wife, the opposite can occur, God forbid.

What are some ways we can be a bad influence on people? When we are naysayers and throw cold water on people’s hopes and dreams. When we are a bad role model or hyper-critical of others.

How can we be a good influence on people? First we must see the amazing potential and goodness within everyone. When we genuinely like and care about people, they will be more open to being influenced by us. We influence people by sharing with them inspirational articles we’ve read or classes we attend. We also have a positive impact on people by teaching by example and by encouraging and complimenting them.

Another way to influence others is to do what On ben Pelet’s wife did and give advice when appropriate. If you know someone who’s struggling with a life challenge or you see them heading down the wrong path, if you think you can help them, don’t hold back!

Ask them if they are interested in your advice and if they are, share your thoughts with them.

For our own challenges, what do we do if we don’t have a spouse like the wife of On ben Pelet?

We must seek out wise people to consult with and get their advice and encouragement.

A common mistake people make is to make big decisions or try to handle difficult challenges on their own, without consulting with others who have wisdom and life experience, such as rabbis, rebbetzins and other mentors.

Until now, I’ve focused on being a good influence on others. But we must also be a good influence on ourselves. If we frequently berate and scold ourselves, if we call ourselves terrible names and say how hopeless we are, is that going to motivate us to improve?

We must be our biggest fan!!

We must spur ourselves on to overcome the challenges we face.

I want to end with some powerful questions we can ask ourselves:
Which do I do more, criticize others or compliment them?

Am I focused only on myself and my family, or do I take an interest in others and give them encouragement?

When I talk to myself, am I nasty and hyper-critical, or am I loving and encouraging?

Don’t let a day go by without encouraging and complimenting yourself and others. Then, B’ezrat Hashem (with God's help), we will all reach great heights.

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The Spies and the Sin of Self-Hatred: How to feel better about yourself

Dear Friends,

Below is a written version of a drasha (speech) I gave this past Shabbat:

“The last few days have been difficult ones for the Jewish people. First, the murder by terrorists of a girl, Hallel Ariel, in Kiryat Arbah, Chevron and then on Friday, the murder of a head of a Yeshiva near Chevron, Rabbi Michoel Mark. Other people have been injured in attacks as well and we daven for their speedy recovery.

Chevron, the city where our Forefathers are buried (as well as three of our Matriarchs), is mentioned in this week’s parsha, Shelach. We read about how Moshe Rabbenu sent spies to the land of Israel. According to Rashi, one of those spies, Kalev, stopped off at Chevron to daven there, and beseeched Hashem (God) to help him. Thousands of years later, this past week, hundreds gathered in Chevron at the funeral of Hallel Yaffa Ariel, and also beseeched Hashem to help us. Just like Hashem answered Kalev’s prayers and gave him Chevron as a gift, so too may Hashem answer ours, and give us the entire Land of Israel to live in, in peace and harmony and bring the Moshiach (the Messiah), bimhara veyamaynu amen (speedily in our days).

The title of this drasha is "The Spies and the Sin of Self-Hatred: How to feel better about yourself." I think it is a very appropriate topic for a July 4th weekend. Some of us are looking around the shul and wondering, “why didn’t I go away?” We might be feeling badly about ourselves and a little inferior to those who went away. I’m hoping that at the end of this drasha, you’ll be feeling better about yourself… or you’ll get away next week.

The struggle with feelings of inferiority is not a new issue. It plagued the spies of this week’s parsha. When they scouted out the Land of Israel, they felt inferior to the strong inhabitants there. The spies said (Numbers 13:33), “We were like grasshoppers in our eyes.” Perhaps this feeling of low self-esteem, of not feeling good about themselves, led them to give up hope of being able to conquer the Land of Israel.

But instead of looking at others, at the mighty Canaanites, the spies should have looked within, at the power within themselves. We all have a God-given ability to triumph over adversity and with God’s help, succeed in ways we never thought possible…

What often holds us back from achieving greatness is ourselves. Like the spies, we often don’t believe in ourselves, we don’t think we are capable or worthy of success.

But we are!

We are capable and worthy of success. The first step is to love ourselves.

It says in the Torah (Leviticus 19:18), “Veahavta lereacha kamocha,” “Love your neighbor as yourself.“ The Torah is teaching us that we must love ourselves. Then, we will be able to love our neighbor as well.

In, “How to Stop Hating and Start Loving Yourself,” I wrote about five unhealthy thought patterns which can lead to low self-esteem and what to do about them. Today, I want to focus briefly on two.

The first cause of low-self-esteem is not accepting our flaws. Many of us feel deep shame over our weaknesses, as if we are personally to blame for them. But are we?

Since our weaknesses where given to us by Hashem for our ultimate benefit, what are we ashamed of?

The second cause is ignoring our good points. One of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov’s most transformative teachings is his emphasis on finding the good in others and in ourselves.

Make a list of your admirable qualities and how far you have come under very challenging circumstances. When you feel badly about yourself, look over the list: Appreciate your positive qualities and talents, feel compassion for your struggles and compliment yourself for your accomplishments.

Everyone in this room has achievements to be proud of, even the fact that you came to shul today, when you could have slept in, is an accomplishment.

As you get into the habit of praising yourself for your achievements, you will begin to feel better about yourself and appreciate the amazing person that you are.”

The rest of this post is about the Jewish month of Tammuz, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.

Rosh Chodesh Tammuz begins Tuesday night, the 5th of July and lasts for 2 days. The theme for this month is removing hatred.

On the 17th of this month, we fast to commemorate the breaching of the walls of Jerusalem before the destruction of the First Temple. This is the beginning of the period known as The Three Weeks which ends next month on Tisha B’Av, the day we mourn the destruction of the First and Second Temples. The Sages teach that a key reason the Messiah has not yet come to rebuild the Temple is because of the sin of hating one’s fellow Jew.

We are a small nation surrounded by enemies bent on our destruction. To defeat the hatred against our people, we must defeat the hatred within our people. This month, go out of your way to be forgiving and overlook the faults of others.

One of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov’s most transformative teachings is his emphasis on finding the good in ourselves and others (Likutey Moharan I, 282). A complementary practice is to realize that we all have difficulties and to feel compassion for our own challenges and for those of others. Each day, look for the good in yourself and others, and feel compassion for the struggles we all face. Then, you will be more forgiving and loving toward yourself and others.

Check off on your checklist each day you complimented someone, or at least spent time thinking about a person’s good points (including your own).

For additional discussion on the sin of hating one’s fellow Jew, see, “What is Your Number One Spiritual Stumbling Block?”

Questions for the month:

“Who in my life do I feel hatred toward or greatly dislike?” (Pick one person and depending on the situation, either work on forgiving them or on reducing the hurt you feel.)

“Who pushes my buttons? Can I focus on their good points and be more complimentary and understanding?”

“What is the first step I can take to try to resolve a conflict I have with someone?”

Take care and may God grant us success in the coming month,

Yaakov

“What Does God Want from Me?”

Dear Friends,

Most of us at some point in our lives have asked ourselves, “What Does God Want from Me?” (please click on the title to access the article). 

Have a great week,

Yaakov 

3 Fundamental Mitzvot

Dear Friends,

The theme of this month is living the Torah's wisdom.

Here is an article on 3 Fundamental Mitzvot (please click on the link to access).

Have a great week,

Yaakov

Sivan: Living the Torah’s Wisdom

Dear Friends,

This post is about the Jewish month of Sivan, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.

Rosh Chodesh Sivan begins Monday night, the 6th of June, and lasts for one day.

On Motzai Shabbat (Saturday night), June 11th, the festival of Shavuot begins. On Shavuot, we celebrate receiving on Mount Sinai the Torah, God’s instruction manual for life. Even those who are unaffiliated, without realizing it, observe part of the Torah. For example, The 10 Commandments, many already believe in God, do not worship idols, honor their parents, do not commit murder, adultery etc.

Begin at whatever level of observance you are currently on, and pick one area you are motivated to strengthen this month. At the end of each day/week, mark off on your checklist if you kept that observance.

Question for the month:

“What area of observance will I strengthen this month or at least learn more about?”

Reading for the month:

The Ten Commandments: Exploring Their Hidden Side

Take care and may God grant us success in the coming month,

Yaakov

How to Give Constructive Feedback without Sounding Critical

Dear Friends,

There is a time and place for criticism. Here’s How to Give Constructive Feedback without Sounding Critical.

It takes forethought, but if you make the effort, your feedback to others will be much more beneficial.

Have a great week,

Yaakov 

6 Ways to Deal with Critical Family Members

Dear Friends,

Many people have at least one critical family member or someone else critical in their lives. If you are currently dealing with someone who is hypercritical, see “6 Ways to Deal with Critical Family Members.”

May God grant you success in dealing with these challenging individuals and have a great week,

Yaakov 

6 Ways to Kick the Criticism Habit

Dear Friends,

The theme of this month is how to enhance our relationships. Being overly critical can poison an otherwise healthy relationship. Here are “6 Ways to Kick the Criticism Habit." (Please click on the link to read). 

The OU posted this week the updated version of The 10 Item Daily Checklist. You can read the article by clicking below:

https://www.ou.org/life/inspiration/10-item-daily-checklist/

Have a great week,

Yaakov

Updated: "The 10 Item Daily Checklist"

Dear Friends,

I updated the daily checklist, the link is:

The 10 Item Daily Checklist

Thank you, have a great week and a Chodesh Tov,

Yaakov

Iyar: Enhancing Our Relationships

Dear Friends,

This post is about the Jewish month of Iyar, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.

Rosh Chodesh Iyar begins Motzai Shabbos (Saturday night), the 7th of May, and lasts for two days.

The period known as The Omer occurs during this month. During part of The Omer, we commemorate thousands of Rabbi Akiva’s students who died in a plague. The Talmud teaches that the plague occurred because the students did not treat each other with proper respect.

This month, we focus on treating others well and enhancing our relationship with them.

Our relationships play a pivotal role in either enhancing or negatively affecting our emotional, physical and spiritual health; toxic relationships drain us, while healthy relationships nourish us.

Make a list of your key family, work and social relationships. Decide which ones to strengthen or repair, which ones need better boundaries or for you to distance yourself from, and ways to foster new healthy relationships.

Input into your checklist the following practice or a related one: At least once a week, schedule one-on-one time with someone in your life to strengthen that relationship; shut off your cell and give him
or her your undivided attention.

In addition, consider using your checklist and check off each day you were able to avoid criticizing the specific person you are working on. You might want to start off with just avoiding giving criticism during a set time of day, i.e., morning, afternoon or evening, and build from there.

Questions for the month:
“Which of my relationships do I need to strengthen? How will I do that?”

“Which relationships need better boundaries or for me to distance myself from? How will I do that?”

“Do I want to form new healthy relationships? How will I do that?”

“Which person in my life am I most critical of? Am I willing to commit to give them this month at least as much compliments as critiques?”

Read up on the type of relationship you are currently dealing with. Here are links to Aish.com articles on specific relationships:

Dating

Marriage

Parenting

Relating to your parents

Take care and may God grant us success in the coming month,

Yaakov

What Worked for Our Ancestors: 4 Lessons from the Exodus

Dear Friends,

Passover is a time to reflect on the Exodus and learn from it. This article discusses, What Worked for Our Ancestors: 4 Lessons from the Exodus.

The next blog post will God willing be after Passover.

Have a Chag Kasher Vesameach (Happy Passover)!

Yaakov

Who Are You? A Balaam, a Job or a Jethro?

Dear Friends,

Here's how to become a Jethro:
Who Are You? A Balaam, a Job or a Jethro?

Have a great week,

Yaakov

Nissan: Spiritual Spring Cleaning

Dear Friends,

This post is about the Jewish month of Nissan, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.

Rosh Chodesh Nissan begins this Friday night, the 8th of April, and lasts for one day.

During Nissan, we celebrate the holiday of Passover. On Passover, we commemorate the Exodus from Egypt. It is a time of freedom, when we free ourselves from that which brings us down spiritually.

Even today, many of us are still not yet free and are enslaved to our passions, to varying degrees. At the same time, we still maintain some level of moral purity. The goal is to raise it up a notch, thereby increasing our freedom.

When you prepare for the holiday by removing leaven from your house, also remove spiritual pollution. To whatever extent you are ready, go through your books, magazines, music and videos, and get rid of those filled with profanity, lewdness or vulgarity; they downgrade your spiritually.

An aspect of maintaining your purity is speaking in an elevated manner. Are there any words you choose to remove from your vocabulary, at least for this month, that do not reflect the type of person you are?

Using your checklist, you can check off each day you succeeded in speaking in a refined manner and/or staying away from spiritual pollution (or limiting your exposure as best you can).

Questions for the month:

“How can I ‘clean house’ and elevate my spirituality at the same time? What will I get rid of?”

“What is a source of spiritual pollution in my life? How can I shield myself from it or at least limit my exposure to it?”

“What word(s) do I choose to remove from my vocabulary, at least for this month?”

Reading for the month:

4 Ways to Safeguard Your Moral Purity

Take care and may God grant us success in the coming month,

Yaakov

3-Dimensional Acceptance: A Pathway to Peace and Power

Dear Friends,

One of the tools to enhancing our mood, the focus of this month, is learning the art of acceptance. Here's how:
3-Dimensional Acceptance: A Pathway to Peace and Power 

Have a great week,

Yaakov

The 2 Forms of Divine Providence: Purim and Passover

Dear Friends,

Purim begins this Wednesday night.
Purim and Passover teach us key principles of faith. The article below, explores this connection between the two holidays.

The 2 Forms of Divine Providence: Purim and Passover

Have a great week and a Happy Purim!

Yaakov

How to Stop Hating and Start Loving Yourself

Dear Friends,

Part of enhancing our joy, the focus of this month, is feeling good about yourself. If a person doesn't feel good about themselves, how can they be happy?

You have accomplished much to feel good about!

Here's an updated article on this topic:
How to Stop Hating and Start Loving Yourself

This article can be helpful even if you don't "hate" yourself, but you could benefit from having a better relationship with yourself (most people).

Have a great week,

Yaakov

Adar II: Continuing to Enhance Our Joy

Dear Friends,

This post is about the Jewish month of Adar II, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.

This year is a Jewish leap year which means that there are two Adars: Adar I and Adar II. Purim is celebrated during the second Adar.

Rosh Chodesh Adar II begins this Wednesday night, the 9th of March, and lasts for two days.

Our Sages teach that with the arrival of Adar we increase our joy, culminating in the festival of Purim. Purim commemorates the salvation of the Jewish people during the Persian exile.

While we do not have direct control over our moods, the following are six tools which can be helpful in enhancing them: Gratitude, acceptance, self-compassion, expressing ourselves, addressing festering issues and making lifestyle enhancements. Many times, even using just one tool will help us feel better and increase our enjoyment of life. For more info, see 6 Tools to Enhance Your Mood.

After reading the above article, choose one tool which you will utilize this month. (It can be the same one or a different one than what you chose last month.) Then, decide on the one change, technique or behavior, related to that tool, you will do on a daily or regular basis, for at least this month. You can add it to your checklist and track how often you do it.

Questions for the month:

“What do I think is most negatively affecting my emotional health? How will I address it?”

“What will I do this month to enhance my emotional health/mood and become a happier person?”

Take care and may God grant us success in the coming month,

Yaakov

Discover Your Inner Peace

Dear Friends,

A key part of enhancing our joy, the focus of this month, is finding inner peace. This article gives suggestions on how to Discover Your Inner Peace.

Have a great week,

Yaakov

Is it Really Necessary to Say This Now?

Dear Friends,

Some people have the unfortunate habit of constantly correcting others. When we make a minor mistake, they immediately correct us and show us how we are wrong. Even though it is hurtful to be on the receiving end of these critiques, we sometimes fall into the same trap and act the same way. To avoid this bad habit, before correcting or criticizing someone, pause for a moment and ask yourself, “Is it really necessary to say this now?”

Often, the answer is no. Either it is not a necessary critique, or even if it is, it is not the right time to make the comment. Critiques are best delivered indirectly or at least at an opportune time and in a thoughtful and sensitive manner. For more details, see, “6 Ways to Kick the Criticism Habit.”

This question can also help us avoid the sin of gossiping. When you have the urge to say something that may reflect negatively on a person, pause for a moment and ask yourself, “Is it really necessary to say this?” Sometimes the answer is yes, most often the answer is no. If someone starts talking negatively about a person to you, you can respond, “Is it necessary for me to hear this? If not, let’s talk about something else.”

Have a great week,

Yaakov

"Am I stubborn and close minded?"

Dear friends,

Being stubborn stands in the way of personal growth. If we are not open to new ways of looking at things, how will we break free from our habitual patterns? We will keep making the same mistakes, while insisting we are right.

We each have our mindsets and habitual behaviors, and we will stay stuck in them unless we are willing to consider alternatives. In addition, people who are stubborn, only have access to their limited perspective and intelligence. But those who are willing to consider the viewpoints of others, the perspective and intelligence available to them is multiplied many times.

There is though a place for stubbornness. For example, we should be stubborn when sticking to our principles and living our values. When appropriate, Ethics of the Fathers (5:20) teaches us to “Be bold as a leopard.”

Here are three ways to decrease unhealthy stubbornness:

(1) Work on developing humility; realize you have been wrong in the past and you will likely make mistakes in the future. With true humility, a person is able to admit when they were wrong and change course.

(2) When talking to others, instead of trying to get them to agree with you, really listen and consider what they are saying. You will learn a lot more that way. As has been said, “If your lips are moving, you’re not learning anything new.”

(3) Ask people for feedback and advice, and give serious consideration to what they say. Instead of focusing on why they are wrong, see if there is a nugget of wisdom you can benefit from.

When we are open-minded and interested in learning new ideas and ways of enhancing our lives, we have laid a solid foundation for growth.

Ask, “Which area of my life am I stubborn about? Perhaps there is a better way of dealing with this issue. Who can I speak to for guidance?”

Have a great week,

Yaakov
 

Adar I: Enhancing our joy

Dear Friends,

This post is about the Jewish month of Adar I, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.

This year is a Jewish leap year which means that there are two Adars: Adar I and Adar II. Purim is celebrated during the second Adar.

Rosh Chodesh Adar I begins Monday night, the 8th of February, and lasts for two days.

Our Sages teach that with the arrival of Adar we increase our joy, culminating in the festival of Purim. Purim commemorates the salvation of the Jewish people during the Persian exile.

While we do not have direct control over our moods, the following are six tools which can be helpful in enhancing them: Gratitude, acceptance, self-compassion, expressing ourselves, addressing festering issues and making lifestyle enhancements. Many times, even using just one tool will help us feel better and increase our enjoyment of life. For more info, see 6 Tools to Enhance Your Mood

After reading the above article, choose one tool which you will utilize this month. Then, decide on the one change, technique or behavior, related to that tool, you will do on a daily or regular basis, for at least this month. You can add it to your checklist and track how often you do it.

Questions for the month:

“What do I think is most negatively affecting my emotional health? How will I address it?”

“What will I do this month to enhance my emotional health/mood and become a happier person?”

Take care and may God grant us success in the coming month,

Yaakov

What Exactly Am I Waiting For?

Dear Friends,

There is often an area of our lives where we have been sitting on the fence, e.g., something we are doing we know is wrong and want to stop, a mitzvah observance we want to strengthen or begin, an act of kindness we are contemplating, Torah study we are considering, or an estranged relationship we want to repair. Other examples include making a career shift, moving to Israel, becoming marriage minded or breaking a bad habit. But perhaps we are ambivalent and the status quo continues.

Recently, there have been a number of tragic deaths of young people due to terror attacks, illnesses or accidents. Use these tragedies as a wakeup call, a reminder that no one knows which day will be their last. Now is the time to get off the fence and take action. To make the most of each day, giving priority to what is truly important.

Often, people’s deepest regrets are not what they did, but what they never even tried. Take the first step of a worthwhile goal and make the most of the strength God gives you.

Have a great week,

Yaakov

Do You Have Any of These 21 Annoying Habits?

Dear Friends,

Marshall Goldsmith in his book What Got You Here Won't Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful lists 21 annoying habits which can harm our relationships at home and at work. For a list of them, click here.

I mention this list as well as other resources for personal growth in this article:

Personal Growth: How to Upgrade Your Skillset

One of the most destructive interpersonal habits is being hyper-critical (of ourselves and others). See,

6 Ways to Kick the Criticism Habit

Have a great week,

Yaakov

Overcoming Our Soft Addictions

Dear Friends, 

Many of us have at least one area of our lives that has become unbalanced and excessive, e.g., overworking, overeating, overspending, or overuse of the internet or our smartphones.

If you struggle in one of those areas or a different addictive behavior, please see:

Overcoming Our Soft Addictions

Have a good week,

Yaakov 

Shvat: Elevating the Physical AND Updated Checklist

Dear Friends,

This post is about the Jewish month of Shvat, as it relates to The Chazak Plan: A 12 Month Journey to Spiritual Strength.

Rosh Chodesh Shvat begins Sunday night, the 10th of January, and lasts for one day.

The 15th of Shvat is Tu B’Shvat, the New Year for trees. An aspect of this holiday is celebrating and elevating the physical. Part of sanctifying the physical is taking care of the body with which God entrusted you. During this month, choose to upgrade either your sleep, exercise or diet habits.

Pick one change you will make on a daily or regular basis, for at least this month, and using your checklist, track how often you do it. If you find the change very easy, add another one. Some examples: Go to sleep 15-20 minutes earlier each week until you feel refreshed in the morning; exercise 2-3 times a week or go for a daily brisk walk; cut out sugary drinks and/or foods from your diet, limiting them to special occasions. Make water your preferred beverage. If you do not like the way your water tastes, consider a filter. (For an informative article by Dr. Edelberg, comparing two popular diets, click here.)

A related point of focus for this month is to consider if there is an area of your life, where your relationship with the physical has become unbalanced and excessive, e.g., overeating, overspending, overworking, or overuse of the internet or your smartphone (surfing, texting, checking email, using Facebook etc.). Most of us have at least one area which, at a minimum, wastes our time and takes us away from more fulfilling activities. This month, pick one behavior to rein in and one behavior you would like to do more of instead.

Questions for the month:

“What will I upgrade this month, my sleep, exercise or diet habits?”

“Is there an area of my life which has become unbalanced and excessive, which at the very least wastes my time? How will I rein it in and regain control?”

“What would I like to do with the new time or money I free up?”

I updated the article, The 10 Item Daily Checklist. I combined two areas and added an additional one.

Take care and may God grant us success in the coming month,

Yaakov

Everything Works Out in the End: Even when it doesn’t appear to

Dear friends,

Especially during times like these, we have to remind ourselves that, Everything Works Out in the End: Even when it doesn’t appear to.

If you didn't get a chance to read my latest article, here is the link:
You’re Not Arrogant, But Are You Truly Humble?

Have a good week,

Yaakov