A common occurrence are guys who drifted away from Judaism during their single years or were never solidly observant, but now they are starting to think about marriage. They realize that they want to raise their children in an observant home. If that’s you, you’ve come to the right place and this article will show you how to level up your observance in a doable manner.
No matter how far one has fallen, no one is too far gone. Everyone can do teshuva and repent. The main act of repentance is to just stop doing the sin or restart doing the mitzvot that one has lapsed in. Do not wallow in the past. Leave regret for Yom Kippur. The rest of the year, just focus on doing the best you can and starting fresh after a setback.
Sometimes a person’s religious observance lessens due to stress or emotional issues. Enhancing your physical and psychological health will make it easier to increase your observance. Three ways of doing that are exercising (including building muscle mass), eating healthy and getting enough sleep.
The most challenging part of increasing one’s observance is often changing one’s mindset. Instead of focusing on the negative and thinking of yourself as a lapsed Jew, focus on the positive and think of yourself as a Jew on the path to grow in his observance (at a pace that is doable for you). As you progress, you will then think of yourself as an observant Jew who sometimes slips up, a work in progress like the rest of us.
It is often much easier than anticipated to get back to an observant lifestyle. Just making a few changes can fairly quickly get you back on track. Judaism is about having a relationship with God, and like any relationship it is not all or nothing. There is nothing hypocritical about doing some mitzvot (or some of the steps below) and not yet doing others. Someone who asks, “Why should I eat Kosher if I'm not keeping Shabbat?” is like a diabetic who asks, “If I can’t stop smoking, why should I bother taking my diabetes medication?” Whatever you are able to do to enhance your spiritual health, do it and do it today.
Imagine a guy who withdrew a large sum from the bank and as he’s leaving he drops the cash and the money goes flying everywhere. Is he going to ignore all the bills, just because he won’t be able to retrieve every single one? Whatever mitzvah you are able to grab, grab it while you still can! Take the first step and God will help you come back home. Soon, it’ll be like you never left.
Here is an 8 step plan to get back on track. Even doing one step is a tremendous accomplishment. Do not fall into the trap of seeing a step that you think you will never be able to do and discarding all of them. Also do not fall into the trap of doing just a few of the steps and thinking, “I’m good. I did enough. I can stop now.” A person’s Judaism and connection to God is never stagnant: it is either getting stronger or weaker. Be among those who are getting stronger and keep moving forward on this journey.
8 Steps to Becoming Observant Again:
1. Find a rabbi. Have a rabbi (or at least a mentor who is learned) who you can ask for personalized guidance about increasing your observance and dealing with life challenges. There are many wonderful rabbis out there, ask around until you find one with whom you connect.
2. Spend time with like minded people. Make sure the people you socialize with do not bring you down or sabotage your spiritual growth. It can be very challenging to be an island of observance all by yourself. Seek out social connections to give you support and encouragement. You can meet new people through mutual friends, at shul or at events or classes. For those who are single, be selective who you date and make sure you’re compatible. Before saying yes to a girl, find out where she’s holding religiously and which direction she’s headed. (When in doubt about this or about applying any of the steps, speak to your rabbi or mentor.) Once you are living an observant lifestyle, you will be able to date high quality religious girls who will only date religious guys. (As part of your spiritual growth, upgrade your language and drop the profanity; it gives people the wrong impression about you.)
3. Wear tzitzis. It’s an easy mitzvah and they sell very comfortable ones. When you’re ready, wear a head covering. By wearing tzitzis and a head covering, you make a statement to yourself and to those around you that there is a God who created the world and whose guidance you follow as best you can. (Women make this statement by dressing modestly.)
4. Eat kosher. If you’re eating healthy anyway, you won’t have to cut out that much from your diet. Yes, it’s more expensive, but the same God who gave you enough money to afford your current expenses, will give you enough money so you can eat kosher.
5. Study Torah. You don’t need to be observant to benefit from Torah study. Learn with a study partner once or twice a week or preferably daily, a section of the Torah you enjoy learning. It might be Talmud, a commentary on the Parsha or Chassidus. You can find a study partner either through a local Kollel, Shul or through Partnersintorah.com. If possible, listen to a Torah podcast or read a sefer daily, even if only for a few minutes, perhaps during your commute or while you exercise. Include in your study the basic laws of Judaism, as there is much more to Judaism than what is included here. Two works to consider are Halacha 24/7/12 by Rabbi Aharon E. Marcus and Shaarei Halachah (It’s in English) by Rabbi Zeev Greenwald. Even if you are not currently observant but have a background in studying Talmud, consider learning the Daf Yomi, Amud Yomi or Mishnah Yomi. There are many wonderful teachers available, you can listen to their classes for free at alldaf.org or outorah.org. Two inspiring books not about Jewish law to consider are: A Bit More Advice, an anthology of the teachings of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov, and Olam HaAvodah (English) by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum (among many other choices of amazing works on Judaism).
6. Put on tefillin daily. From there, gradually increase what you say during Shacharis or start your day strong and go to shul for Shacharis. When you are ready to build from there, start reciting Mincha and then Maariv. If at any point it feels too much, backtrack a bit and then start moving forward again. Find a Shul you are comfortable going to on Shabbos, feel free to come late in the beginning and then gradually increase going to Shul to once a day and when possible, for all three tefillos. Davening is hard for a lot of guys; do the best you can. If going to shul is very hard for you, skip it for now. Not going to shul does not make you non observant! Especially if you find it hard to connect to God during davening, spend a few minutes each day speaking to God in your native language, preferably alone and outloud. This will help you build a personal connection with God. Music can be a powerful tool to help us uncover our inner yearning for God. Try the music of Shlomo Carlebach, Eitan Katz or any of the other popular Jewish composers.
7. Keep Shabbos. This is not all or nothing; observe what you can and increase from there. Many have commented how spending time away from their phone and computer is very freeing. In terms of what to do on Shabbos: preferably, find a Shul you feel comfortable going to, even if only on Friday night or Shabbos morning. Go to places for meals where they host an authentic Shabbos seudah with song and Torah thoughts or host one yourself, get together with friends, periodically go away for Shabbos, set up to learn with a study partner, go for a walk and gather a pile of books to read that you’ve always wanted to read but never seemed to have the time.
8. Observe Yichud and Negiah. As with everything else, this is not all or nothing; do the best you can to observe the laws of Yichud, not secluding yourself with a girl who is forbidden to you or touching her (Negiah). For those who are married, speak to your rabbi about observing the laws of Family Purity. For those who are single, besides for the spiritual benefits of following these laws, it will also give you greater clarity as to who will be a more compatible life partner; your judgment will not be clouded by already being in a physical relationship.
Are you giving something up by becoming more observant? Yes, but you will gain a huge ROI. The effort you put into practicing authentic Judaism will yield priceless returns.
Each time you do a mitzvah or refrain from doing a sin brings you everlasting merit and brings your Father in Heaven pleasure, even if you stumble the very next day. You may ask, “What pleasure do I bring God? There are many people who are much more observant than me, what value am I to God?” Reb Noson of Breslov addressed this point in a letter he wrote (Healing Leaves: Prescriptions for inner strength, meaning and hope by Breslov Research Institute), “The essence of God’s greatness is that the very person who is most distant from Him and most attached to physicality can and should serve Him. Such service is God’s greatest pleasure and delight!”
Some observe mitzvot because that is what they have been doing their entire life and they never tasted sin. While they will be rewarded for staying away from sin, what you do for God is unique. When you do a mitzvah, you proclaim, “Even though I know the allure of sin, nevertheless, I still choose to do this mitzvah!” That brings God tremendous pleasure.
Think of this article as God’s reminder that He’s still waiting for you to come home. If He didn’t care how you lived your life, why would He have led you to this article?
No one knows how much time they will have in this world, grab that opportunity now with both hands!
Pick one of the above steps to start with. Choose the one that is easiest for you or that you are most motivated to do. There will be setbacks, but after each one, begin anew with a fresh start.
Right now, before you get distracted by something else, open your calendar and write in each month a different step to focus on. During that month, schedule in something tangible and doable related to that step (or work at whatever pace your mentor recommends). After each month, carry over the gains from the previous month and begin the new month with a fresh start. Once you’ve gone through all the steps, choose which specific steps need more strengthening and focus on them during the coming months. Soon, your life will be enriched and guided by the wisdom of the Torah. No matter how stormy life may be, a strong connection to God will be your anchor.
Even if right now, you choose not to increase your observance at all, at least start learning Torah. Eicha Rabbah (Petichta 2) writes, “We have found that the Holy One blessed be He overlooked idolatry, forbidden relations, and murder, but did not overlook disdain of the Torah, as it is stated: “...For what reason did the land perish?” (Jeremiah 9:11). It is not written here that it was because of idolatry, forbidden relations, and murder; rather, “...Because they have forsaken My Torah…” (Jeremiah 9:12).”
At all costs, do not forsake the Torah!
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